fresh

my baby

2008-11-23T18:13:00.003+08:00

hmmm, why is it that no one tags on my cbox? saddd! anyway, i'll blogged a quick one. cos meeting fren for a dinner in like 45min lol. work wise, dont think it is going as smooth as i hope it to be. Mani is getting worse each time. originally ZT had split the list of PBX into two groups for each of us to handle. we thought this will be a better way. ended up just cos he is handling two internal testing requested by the big bosses and just one non-premium cust, he refused to take up the case of 2 ONS customers whom we have to get back to within 4 hours. fine. he said he has his hands full of i assisted him on it.

when i finished the job, asked him to call cust to check if it is alright. he don't wanna call cust and only email cust an hour plus later. by then cust of cos is mad as it is a service he's paying for. so supposedly cust called up Mani and scolded him and said we are doing the opposite of wad he wants. Mani then came and argued with me. its so loud that even two rows away colleagues heard. i went out to cool down after the quarrel. came back and apologised to Mani on jabber. guess wad? he is still pointing the fingers at me. dammnit. ownself customer dun wanna handle. out of kind heartedness, i'll help as i know he does not know how to resolve it. end up this is wad i get? ZT then decided to put Mani in charge of just 5 customers and i took back all other 20+ custs. i'll never interfere again. i feel that i really had put in my best. if he's gonna be that way, let it be so.

but i realise my helpfulness at times can bring issue for people. like for example, i was helping kenny the other time to configure a set of Zyxel router with MBB as he does not know how to do it and cos he said Sharon (his mgr) had asked him to pass to SI. i thought its a simple thing so i took over. ended up i couldnt get the connection so approached KP for help. then KP went mad about this issue as he felt this shouldn't be how it is. he was then brought up during operational meetings again. oh well.. whatever. many departments have problems with him too. all complaint together after KP raised up. when ken has a issue which he cant handles, he will let Michelle knows and she would always call back to office from India. well, his beloved friend Michelle will be back next week. time to watch some shows. and ken, im pretty sure i'll gotten over you. cos the thing which i used to admire about you have all went missing. you have become a total stranger and no longer fit my criteria for a fren. so you can do whatever you wish but you will never get me back. the end.

sensitive me

2008-11-18T23:58:00.003+08:00

it seems like either though i am just 21, my body is 50+ years old already. i'm hunchback and have frequent shoulder/neck aches for close to 4 years already. as if this ain't enough, i have sensitive skin + eyes. during raining weather, the mosquitoes love me lots. i can have up to 5 bites a day. to the extent that the skin actually tears. i know i shouldn't had scratched it but its hard to stop the desire you know. so i ended up taking running nose medicine prescribed by my doc to get it in control.

as for my eye, worse. i can only use specific eye drop previously when i had not started wearing contact lens. all was fine when i wear the lens back in Sept 2008. but suddenly i kena eye infection twice in a week. the one i mentioned last week is inflammation on the eyeball area itself. i use the eye drops according to doc's instruction. that healed for a day. this morning i touched my eye and realise thats a bump on the same left eye. went to visit doc again. he said the inflammation is on the inner eye skin this time round. faint. how lucky can one gets?

maturity

2008-11-16T23:27:00.003+08:00

hmmm... how do you place a judgement on someone? by the first impression you have of them? or do you wait til a few meetings and conversations with him before you come to a conclusion of his personality? some will say its the first impression that really counts. after all, the subsequent meet ups with him/her will most probably decrease or you'll have negative thinking on any small incidents he does just cos of the previous time. this usually ain't fair to that person cos he didn't have a chance to make up for it. but if you think in another manner, if he really cares about the friendship that you two are gonna be building up, then he will not have any old how on the first date right?

i guess this all boils down to the maturity of both parties. i decided to blog on this cos i realise that first of all, i really do care about what other thinks of me. which is why there are times when i hesitate in certain stuff which i am serious about. like for relationship wise, i always mention that im not against the age-gap between couples (jie-di lian or if the guy is much older than girl). but when i do see such cases around me, for example, june & kino, i will feel concern on how they are getting along. after all kino is just 18 this year. he has not went into NS yet and is a school dropout who hasn't have much working experience. he seems happy-go-lucky in front of us all but i know thats something within him which causes him to be this way. after chatting with him earlier, i finally know why he is the way he is. kino, be strong and jiayou. you can do it de alright?

okay. peeps reading the earlier paragraphs must be wondering what has this gotta do with me? haahaa. no la. cos thats this ex-colleague i know from my KFC days who's been pretty proactive in asking me out and stuff. fernado is younger than me by 2 years. he is studying in shatec currently plus working as a pizzahut rider and participating in events at times. he is quite hardworking guy i might say for his age. we lost contact for a couple of years after i left KFC in 2005. then by chance i bumped into him at hougang last year. so started smsing and stuff. then out of the blue he just wanna some distance after he returned from his overseas trip last dec. so be it. we left it as that. then around some time mid this year, he started chatting me up again and wanna jio me go out. after what happen the last time round, i kept my distance and keep turning him away.

came along the mr brownie incident. i cant get ack out of my mind. the best way is to switch my focus else where. anyway, so fernado and i had arranged to meet up and stuffs. but fate seems to play a trick on us. the date is set but always some stuffs will crop up and it is cancelled. still, we both keep in touch through smses. one day, he asked me why this time around i am so proactive and constant in contacting him? so i told him the truth and he said he is fine with it as he only wants a fling. so we continue the 暧昧 friendship. yesterday we met up for the first time in a year after the off-on hot-cold shoulder. it seems like i feel a thing for him. and even though he said he don't wanna a gf a few weeks back, its obvious he cares about wad i think. he calls me darling while i call him my baby. my question now is, how do one differentiate if this is a fling or for real? cos i myself also dunno. but when people ask me if i have a bf, my answer is still no. his face does come to my mind though so...?

lol. think i'm bullshiting already. cos after reading from the beginning to now here, i don't think i am making sense. one thing i'm sure though, i don't see him as a life partner. i can't imagine fernado to be one as of now. cos like kino, he hasn't went NS. who knows wad will happen? and he has a year to go after shatec and he still wanna go take up another course before reporting to NS. faint. therefore, in short, i have at least another 2 years to think through. whahaha! don't really understand why i always get myself into such weird situation when coming to love matters. the part time bf i mentioned inside my post also another one. he is attached one lol. but nothing between us larsh. we just have been addressing each other as part time since the start of our friendship. he is 29 this year and have been caring for me like he will to a little sis only. so yup. i dunno how to continue this post so i shall end here. paiseh ah. LOL!

eye infection sad

2008-11-12T22:49:00.000+08:00

okay. i realise that there's people who are reading my blog for the past few months. t!ng and my princess are definitely the ones. know you girls are concerned and wanna to be updated on what's going on in my life. thanks wor. will try to update it more frequent. but laziness cant be helped at times ;)

today i'm on MC. as some might have noticed, i always rub my eyes. cos there's the feeling that there's something stuck in there you know? so even when i'm wearing contact lens, this habit didn't change. i do instilled eye drops but it ain't advisable to put too much drops a day. so yep. my left eye has been hurting for two days already whenever i'd rubbed it. decided to go see doctor cos its getting slightly swollen too. doc says i've got eye infection. not to wear contact lens for a week. *faith faints upon hearing that* oh well... eyes are pretty important so gotta be a good girl. anyway its closing to weekends so shall listen to his advice. if by monday i'm feeling better, then i'll resume with wearing lens xD

anyway, i used to be a super lazy and untidied girl. but recently i've been more hardworking and treating myself better. i'm mopping and tidying up my room twice a month. doing laundries weekly. then last time i just need 15min to prepare for work; wake up, brush teeth, bath, change then out of my house. now? i take at least 40min. i have to blow dry and style my hair. okay i know it doesn't really look style but at least it ain't that messy when the wind blows lol. then i also wash my face, apply toner and moisturser plus put rest eye gel to reduce puffiness and for taking care of eye bags and dark circles. not forgetting putting on my contact lens of cos. which can be pretty fast or slow. i target to leave home at 710am but thats time i only get out at 730am. thus i usually reach work between 9-915am nowadays. lucky my manager is pretty cool about these kind of things. heeex.

i'm meeting my part-time dear for supper so shall go prepare now. ciao blog!

2008-11-04T22:35:00.005+08:00

okay. it has been ages since i last blogged. not 'cos i do not have anything to update. its cos of laziness. the things i wanna blog about are piling up. so what makes me decided to blog now? well, its cos im stuck at customer's site with no Internet connection and he wouldn't let me go til the line is up. stupid Singtel. so freaking slow response time. hungry man. here is jurong pier road nor. so out of the way. a hungry woman is an angry woman. so yep. shall compose my blog now and start shooting stuffs and writing my past month's thoughts.

first thing will be wanna complain about OCBC. i had started a monthly savings account with them since aug this year. it will auto-deduct a certain amount from my posb to there. but problem is in Oct, my bank does not have sufficient amount for it to do the deduction. which i didnt realise cos the first deduction was on 26th aug. and i was informed it will follow the first time. end up never. changed to 22nd. so i called up OCBC and asked what will happen now that i had missed it. he said there is a grace period of 10 days and i was notified through mail to make the deposit manually into the account. but, this account of mine does not have internet banking at all. and i didnt receive that notification email. so how the hell was i supposed to know of this? so i complained. then he said thats the normal procedure and that my monthly deposit account was then converted to a statement account whereby i can redraw the money anytime. well, there was NO letter of notification from OCBC to inform me of this new statement account number nor was i given any form of access to my cash there. dammnit. so i asked now what? he asked me to go to any branch to apply for it. wtf man? crap lorsh. if not for the fact that OCBC has the interest rates, i will not have set up my account there. angry man. and the cust svc officer put me on hold like 10 minutes while finding out? when i go down to the branch, i'll definitely make a complain.

anyway, enough of that topic. the following 2 paragraphs will be on my thoughts after the long conversation i have with my princess jane the other night. she has a new bf since april this year. i didnt really have a good impression of him as i don't like the fact that he always put jane down even in front of her friends. and they are always at buckle heads. both faces look so serious during that time. some couples once you saw them, you will be able to see the lovey-dovey and the sparks between them. this doesn't occur when j&a is tgt. then everytime i ask jane to update me on hows the 2 of them getting along, her answer will always be like that nor. good ah. she don't tell me details. until that day i managed to force her to list out whats the most touching thing alex had done for her. then she suddenly said out many happenings which i never heard about before. it pained my heart to know my best friend went through so much and i wasn't there for her. it also hurts to know that i wasn't one of the person she contacted at her darkest time.

of cos, i know that not much people, in fact, i think only alex knew about it. but still, alex is a new known friend while i'm her best friend since 6 years ago. super disappointed. is it myself that thats the problem? i really have no clue. jane, you are my princess, my dearest girl friend you should know. i know i hold a place in your heart which is why you are hesitating in the r/s with alex now just cos i said i don't feel good about how he treats you in front of us. but the reason why i am frank with you is cos you wanna my feedback. you feel my comments are biased and could be cos i prefer jk. but this definitely ain't true. alex is born into a wealthier family than all of us. all that alex's gf wants, he will be able to give without really working for it if you get my meaning. its not out of jealousy either thus i put alex down. cos i have other friends whose bf is rich and i'd mixed along with many different characteristics friends. i believe what my eye see and what my ears hear. my dearest princess, i really hope that we will not drift apart just cos of this matter. and i sincerely hope that you and alex will last since you have found something special in him which makes him unique and different from your ex. please do not give him up because of my comments. i know you value our friendship and trust me. but love is, after all just pretty the two parties. what others see may not be true. always bear this in mind okay?

huixian darlingg, im thankful for your presence that day when im feeling down. as always, whenever i see you, all my problems just went away. at least for the first hour haahaa. thanks to darren also for not minding me tagging along for dinners, movies and trips into JB with you two. and definitely not forgetting the small fireworks which you had set off in an attempt to bring a smile to darlingg and my face during that night when both of us are feeling emo. also darlingg, after knowing you for 4-5 years, for the every first time, you opened up your heart much deeper to me. i finally understand why you hate being alone and scare of the dark. i can't say i understand what you went through cos i've not been in that situation before. but my heart goes out to you. thats time when i could not be by your side when you need me. but i wanna you know that you ain't alone. i'll try my very best to be there for you. i will not let you turn to drinking days again. i know i hadn't fulfilled my promise last week but i hope you will trust me once more. love you huixian. you're my darlingg always!~

as for working wise, there's still unhappiness between me and that colleague who is hired to share my workload for PBX server. his name is Mani. he has been with us for 4 months already. initially i was pretty harsh towards him as was overstressed out by the 3projects and 4 cust's issues which i'm handling alone. when i'd cleared them all after a month he's here, i'd changed my attitude to him and is more patient. it seemed like the bad impression couldn't be rubbed away no matter how hard i tried. cos til today, anything and everything he still goes directly to kokpin and zhangtao (my manager). in my team, im the only one specialising in PBX. kp knows a lil cos he helped me on the network portion and i taught him as and when i could the simpler things. zt knows also a lil only. but whenever cust has problems, Mani will forever turn to kp first. if kp not around, he will goes to zt straight. ended up its always kp and zt having to be the medium between us. things i have asked him to do (example, documentation), he will never ever do it. his response will be there isn't a need for it. or else said that he will discuss with kp then see how. dots. all that i had requested from him was actually given the green light by either kp or zt one nor. whats the meaning of this man? is he belittling my knowledge and having doubts of my abilities? if so, then how do he wanna explain all the times i had guided him to resolve the issues? and whenever he just started saying the prob, i'll already know where goes wrong. told him and he don't believe. argued and do things his way. end up making mistakes which he should not have causing cust to have a longer downtime. he's lucky there isn't SLG for the service. anyway, we have already split up who will handle which cust. i will definitely keep to it. don't ever cross my path or you'll regret it since til today you still have no idea where's the boundary.

a last thing i wanna mention, is of cos, mr brown. my feelings for him hadn't decreased. but, at the same time, i'm starting to feel numb whenever i saw the things between him and michelle. i had shot him once saying that he is the actual support officer and not michelle. all the time that michelle assisted him to response to cust are viewable by everybody. adding on to the fact that both of them are sitting in front of their respective managers. even the filipinos who do not understand chinese can feel that there's spark flying between the two of you whenever you guys chatted. and the breakfasts and lunch which mich makes for ken is just so freaking obvious. i have seen them left office together after work many times. saw him carrying stuffs for mich. its a gentleman action i know. still... i have also witnessed them having breakfast together at our canteen from 9-930am. you ordered drink for her and was standing just besides me. didn't greet me good morning. its as if we are strangers. anyway, this is office hours lorsh. don't you guys think you all are carrying it too far? true, your relationship ain't affecting both of ya work. but, is it really right? where's the boy i used to know? was it all a fiscase and just a lie? i still smsed you once fortnightly. each time you will reply and also commented you notice this or that about me. diaox. if you are really that concern, you would have come right out and asked on the spot. mich will be clearing her leave from 14-23rd Nov. will you be joining us when she's gone? i have no idea what will happen to us when she is away. after all, you had changed after i went on long leave. but i doubt that history will repeat itself. the thing between you and mich had too huge an impact on me already. the damage has been dealt hard the day you chose to say the white lies. despite it all, you still hold a place deep within my heart. haiz. if only...

Fortune Telling Visit

2008-10-13T00:19:00.005+08:00

我在台湾时有去龙山寺算我的八字命 (Eight-Character Fortune Telling)。为何突然而间去算能？也不能说是一时的冲动因为我一直以来都满想和对这方面感兴趣。到了地下街，我的双眼就对到一位女算命师。就是她了。收拾我的心情，向前一步，我们就开始聊了。因为我从来没被人算过命，当然是从最基本的八字开始啦。写下了我的出生身资料，她就开口说了。。。

我是在1987年来到这世界。这一年出世的人是属于金星座。水和金是最和得来的因为它们会把金锻炼得非常好。火与木是忌讳。土的星座是大家的故乡。我的命主属于身体虚弱性。这点是真确的。我一年差不多每三月生一次病。咳嗽能长于一个月无论我哟唷由吃药都一样。我的个性是满冲动性由于我出身的日期和时间都属于火时辰。难怪大家觉得我好难相处又难和我沟通。我的固执原来就是这么的来源啊！她说我一定需要听从身旁的朋友们与家人的劝告。嗨！我也想！但。。。真的不简单：( 下来是工作方面。

我在现在的公司会有好的发展。但如果我想换份工也不成问题。有一天如果有机会出国做工一定要把握因为我在国外的发展会更好。北(South)与西(West)部或方向对我是好的。东南是跟随目和火星座所以对我不利。由于新加坡是在东南亚的国家前面那一句可算准。我在我的生命里一路走到老都会遇见恩人和救星，大可不需要担心。如果将来想与家人或朋友们投资是没问题的。但是，我决不能和丈夫与火星座的人投资或起任何事业。这是因为我(金=辛)闯到我的夫妻宫(火=亥)。

听到这就知道婚姻与爱情是下个我们谈的话题了。我不适合早婚。最好是在我30岁后在婚。但如果说适合结婚的期间的话，是再8到33岁之间。等不及的话也要在蛇年(当我是26岁)后再结婚。原因是因为在12生肖里，我每到蛇年的运气都会可别惨。如果我当时有个男友而他能与我渡过这年，我们就会拥有美好的结果。现阶段，无论我与谁谈恋爱，都会感到满辛苦的。不是遇到他变心，要不就是玩弄我的感情。当然，我自己也是可能会定不下。我的另一半最好是生在羊(+8 years older)，狗(+5)或猪(+4)年。属于老鼠(+3)，龙(-1)和鸡(+6)年的最好可以避免就避吧。剩下的都OK。在前面我提到我的身体是虚弱性。所以在怀孕应该好好照顾自己，要按时去复诊。生孩子时可能会难产 *faint* 在我36岁时，身体会可虚弱。

其它东西算命师有提到的是我的幸运颜色。那是白，黑，金和褐色(cos they are the colours representing Water, Gold and Earth)。要避免穿青，红，紫和粉红色。晕倒。i love purple! but haha. never mind la. all this i hear will be taken as advice, guidance and for my own reference. to believe anot its still up to one-self. thats stuff above which i find seem to be pretty true. reading through i think many of ya will agree too.

but then, as per the poems i have written previously, many things happened for a reason or else its someone who had pre-planned it. this is my explaination to myself when coincidences occurs. when it comes to Fate though, i can't really put my stand to it yet. i won't agree if you tell me one holds their own Fate cos thats many stuff, no matter how hard you'd worked for it, you may not be able to get the results you hope for. reason for this is cos nothing is independent; all things take two hands to clap and minimum of two people to make something work. regardless of work, company, family and so on. with yes, i've come to the end of this entry C:

shopping craze + studying plans

2008-10-04T22:47:00.007+08:00

omg. i've been a shopping fanatic lately. spent close to $1750 in the past 3 weeks. its like, since when do you see me getting stuff which aint a need but more like a want? its not a often sight you know. alright. some of you may be thinking its cos i had started working. but come on, i had worked for 1.5 years already. and looking thru my monthly expenses, it had only started raising drastically as of Aug 2008. and its straight 200% increase. faint man!
the items i bought are...

1 adidas jacket, pants, wallet and water bottle
9 t-shirts (bros product, stay real, stage, giordano, net, stitch, syxere)
1 pair of jeans
1 pair of working pants
1 skirt
1 media player
2 month's supply of contact lens + solution
1 pair of ear stud with solution and ear piercing
2 watches (stick-on faces which can be wore with a strap or as a necklace/bracelet)
1 cap
1 super big bag (can be used for traveling overseas)
1 puma bag
1 shiny material bag
1 set of fancl facial products (cleansing foam, toner, moisturer)
1 loreal coloured-hair care shampoo
1 pair of shoes
1 beauty credit's facial spray and coenyzmeQ10 nail remover
1 samsung soul handphone with desktop charger and extra battery

anyway, after spoiling myself rotten, i've finally decided to settle down. had opened an OCBC monthly savings account and every month i debited 45% of my pay to this account. this doesnt have a debit/credit card and its like a fixed deposit account. wadever you put in cant be taken out until after 2 years. of cos if theres a need to redraw it, you can la. but nah. there is for emergency use only.

and i realise i have stopped school for too long a period already. should be starting from this year 2008 but i had missed the intake as i only began searching for the courses at feb. theres pros to this though. it motivated me to start looking for school earlier this time around. had been taking a look at many institutes besides the usual SG-university. as i have been more interested in my field of work too, i also have a clearer insight on what i really do want. so rather than finding infosys management which i originally wanted, now i am searching on degrees towards networking end. i already found and narrowed myself down to 2 choices, MDIS's BIT (Computer Security & Network Administration and Design) or Informatics' BIT (networking). i will prefer going to informatics as traveling there after work is easier than MDIS. but the MDIS that course is a double major and inclusive of MCSE 2003 studies + exam. if i was to take it outside, it will be more expensive. but of cos, my company will sponsor me. hmmm dunno lei. shall be applying next week for both and see which accepts me. if lucky both accept, i'll definitely seek opinons from my fellow colleagues. keeping my fingers crossed! wish me success! then i'll be starting sch in Mar 2009 (for informatics) or Apr 2009 (for MDIS)!

latest thoughts

2008-09-29T14:25:00.002+08:00

there is no response from him as usual. now his lunch hour consists of michelle and/or sarah. he only eat lunch with us if michelle is around and decides to eat with us. and lately michelle's been buying breakfast for him. after work they also went out drinking together. with vendors i guess. but so wad? each time he also sent her home. and its NOT cos she is drunk. both of us drunk he also chooses to send her home. she's a 30+ old woman while im younger. more worry about her instead of me. thanks man. if im an outsider and do not know them at all, i'll probably mistake them as a couple. perhaps thats wad they are. already feeling numbed. if this is his decision, then i'll accept it gracefully and i mean it. i'd enough of everything.

last thursday after i saw the jabber logs, i broke down on the way back home. super down. started smsing all the guys who i know has interest in me, wanting to get him out of my mind. one of the people i smsed is my ex, corliss. he replied me and asked me if im alright. i said i need someone to acc me. and he agreed to meet me on friday. so we did. some things will never change. as usual, seeing him, regardless of how down i am, he will always be able to bring a smile on my face. he also is able to see through my heartfelt thoughts. didnt wanna bring up kenny initially but corliss kept pushing me to talk about it. so i did.

his comments straight are,"you are still the same old you. i believe you had put in your best to forget the past and has been doing great these few years while we are apart. are you sure you wanna ruin the effort you had put in cos of a guy? when are you going to stop assuming and being so self confident? can you stop living for others? don't keep reading too much into a simple sentence. that is nothing between you and him".

tears just dropped profusely when corliss said that. deep down, i know he is right. every advice that friends around me have given me are advices i have gave others before. its just easier said than done. i also don't wanna wreck my future cos of a guy who doesn't appreciate me and doesn't have me in his heart. what for man. i've already went on a long break and changed my image. its time for me to change my attitude and outlook on love matters. focus on getting my carrer and degree first. all else will fall in naturally (:

disappointment

2008-09-25T23:38:00.004+08:00

i mentioned before that you are a book that i have yet to finish reading. never have i taken so long to understand someone. you're still a mysterious when it comes to deciphering your inner heartfelt feelings. your personality and character wise, i more or less already fully know already.

when i was distributing the sweets yesterday to michelle, she was typing a message to you in jabber. i saw with my own eyes that the topic isn't about work. rather, its some discussion on pride matters. and after scanning through the logs, i realise that you and her have been going out frequently with m1 people to drinking sessions. each time, you sent her home. as for sarah, its the same. you are even planning to go swimming with them. swimming aint a big deal i know. just showing off almost your whole body to your colleagues only. nice one.

truth has it that it has definitely been a lie when you said you and michelle talked about work only. i know its inevitable that people stray off the actual topic during discussion. this is something i frequently do too. and anyway, you and i are just colleagues-friends. we aren't together. why bother covering up and emphasizing so many times that you and her are discussing on work stuff only? i had asked you one time once nia. you repeated yourself for more than 4 times. purpose of this is?

i hate guessing and i hate being lied to. all these are just small things by itself but adding it up all together? its a serious case. in your eyes, it may be a harmless lie. but how much do you really know about me? do you think i'm so heck care when it comes to matters concerning you? it's been pretty obvious that whenever you and michelle are acting super close in front of all of us, my reaction is always looking away or turning silent. and we are all colleagues. what makes you think you can cover up the lies for long? the pain i feel now is much worser than what it originally would be if you had been honest. so i decided to confront you about it through sms as i doubt i can do it face to face.

woman's gut feelings, more often than not, are pretty accurate. will you agree or disagree with this statement?
hmmm it depends. when gals get emotional, their gut feeling are pretty much biased. very few gals can make sound judgement in this kind of situations.
u've got a point there. then what do you think of your instincts in the recent years? ever since poly or ns days perhaps?
i don't rely on gut feel. it's like a gamble. i see, analyse and plan.
alright. then your opinons of white lies? do you think its true that its for the person's own good when one says it? or is it more likely for selfish reasons?
hmmm white lies with good intentions are harmless. they are white for a reason.
to the one who makes them, it may seem harmless. but have they thought of the consequences when their lies got exposed? the pain is worse than wad would have been originally.
hmmm then that would be a bad lie and not a white lie.
i guess to the person he feels its harmless cos perhaps he dont understand her thoughts that well. cant be helped at times i guess.
why are you mentioning about white lies?
nothing much. ytd just found out a fren had lied many stuff which i don't understand why. its small single things but adding up makes it a serious case.
hmmm it depends on how much you value your fren and the significance in the lies he tells. some people can't stand lies as it is deceitful.
he's been a gd fren. perhaps deep down i know he's trying to protect me from getting hurt. but that stuff won't have affected me if he had said the truth. he makes more lies to cover up the inital one. and fate has it that the lies are exposed. i'll be lying if i say i don't care anymore.
hmmm if the lies were of good intention, then i feel its forgivable. but if it's to cover up a bad deed. then it really depends on how much you value the friendship.
its for my own good that he lied i guess. i'm not mad at him so thats nothing to forgive. just disappointed to know that to him, i'm a narrow-minded person.
(waiting for response)
it seems like thats many changes in the past week. still recall the weird silence between us during the last dinner. we no longer chat at work. yet earlier we can chat non-stop til we parted. if we are frenz previously, it seems like we have turned into plainly colleagues.
(no response)

lalala!~ new image!

2008-09-22T00:59:00.000+08:00

ii have officially changed my image as of 20th sept 2008. ii had went to orchard tower's Natasha Salon to revamp my hairstyle. its currently short (just below ears) and heavily layered. its thicker at the top. ii cut my fringe too. its stopped at around my eyebrow that area. ii also have started wearing contact lens to suit this new hairstyle. now ii looked really like just 17 years old or even secondary school girl. yet to take any pictures yet. shall do so when ii got the mood hahax. dressing wise also changed to be either formal or casual wear. when casual wear, ii mean its more towards graphic T or T with words. bought 4 of such tops in taiwan. had purchased a cap to go along with the new image too. so if ii wear casual, ii'll be wearing cap defintely. if thats problem with getting my lens in, i'll just go out without specs. lol.

my older friends mostly commented that they preferred me with long hair as more mature look. some says not much difference. just showing more of my face with shorter fringe and hair. thats also a few who praise me for trying out a new image and said ii looked refresh after the break. he's one of them. anyway, all guys, look my way. my name is tan julia faith. ii wanna attract all of your attention towards me =D come and date me! im single and available. LOL!

down once more

2008-09-20T01:49:00.001+08:00

ii came back to singapore on 16th sept 11+pm. didnt wanna return to work so fast so purposely on 17th, ii evening then go visit doctor and then have two days' MC. after professing on 14th sept, ii had not smsed him until 19th sept. just asked him hows the SIM open house cos wanna test whether things are back to norm. waited and waited.. no sms came. lunch he invited me to join michelle and him for lunch but ii rejected as ii wanna be with joanna they all. told him to enjoy it and added a =) behind. he told me (again, goodness know how many times alr), "that nah, its just work matters so we lunching together". ii didnt replied him. then cos im meeting staCy at toa payoh, ii asked him if he will be going back home after work. his answer is no and he is going vivo with sarah (a colleague). stunned when ii heard it but just told him to enjoy the date and ii went off without waiting for him to say bye.

previously a month plus back, huiting had said that she overheard ken and sarah talking about personal stuff almost daily. back then, ii had not generated any feelings for ken and had told him wad ii've heard. his response then was its inevitable that one will stray from work topics. then during the month that had passed, ii didnt really see him and sarah chatting much either. so how did he and sarah got together and have a dinner date?

totally no clue. its almost as if he is reporting to me. or rather, letting me know that he is going out alone with a girl. why so? wanna make clear his stand that we aren't a pair? ii don't know and neither do ii need to know his thoughts. to me now is, ii already said wadever ii wanted to you. how and what you are gonna do about it is your choice. if just cos ii professed then our friendship went hay-wired, then it just shows that you are immature when handling feelings matters. and your score will definitely be dropped cos of this. shall observe the next week to see how things goes between us.

2008-09-17T01:01:00.001+08:00

below are the poems which ii had written during the flight to and fro taipei. its my heartfelt feelings mixed with inspirations from my friends. pretty emo one haha!

the hardest thing
the hardest thing ii ever have to do...
what is it?, ii often asked myself
is it handling my customer's issues?
is it quarrelling with my best friends?
or it it not having companionship at my darkest hours?

ii think through the questions and found the answer to all is no...
so then, in my eyes, what really is the hardest thing to me then?
without skipping a thought, your face surfaced in my mind; ever so clearly.

its the hardest thing ii ever have to do...
to turn around and walk away pretending that ii do not have feelings for you,
pretending that we are just colleagues when my heart tells me you are the one ii want,
pretending that i do not care when ii saw how close you are with other girls...

ii look out the window and my tears just flow seaminglessly.
the feelings ii have for you; its so much more than anyone realise.

the happiness that ii felt when you smile at me..
the jealousy which comes naturally when spotting you chatting happily with another girl..
the bashfulness shown on my face when friends tease about you and ii..
the sorrowness that's in me when it dawns on how distance we had become..
the joy that wells in my heart whenever you express your care and concern....

tell me then, how do you handle your feelings for me so calmly?
why is it you can act so cool when facing me?
why do you keep blowing hot and cold towards me when you know the pain it causes me?
are all we have really just a superfical relationship all the long?

finally, i've come to realise...
the hardest thing ii ever have to do now is facing you;
facing the boy ii like slowly turning into a stranger,
a stranger who only talks to me when at work..
and its work matters only that we do chat about now...

things in the world
not everything in the world can be bought
not everything are achievable

not everything request you made are fulfilled,
not even if you had plucked up all your courage cos of it.
not every dreams will come true,
not even if you work more than half your life for it.

many things in this world are unexplainable,
but everything happens for a reason.
many things aren't within our control,
yet many people believe they have full control over their own lives.

nothing in this world can shake one's determination
no one can force another to act against their wishes
just like there's nothing ii can do to make you fall for me...

all ii ever...
all ii ever needed, is a pair of helping hands,
to hold onto me whenever i'm about to slip.
all ii ever needed, is a welcoming open arms,
to catch me when i' about to fall.

all ii ever wished for, is a shoulder to cry on,
to provide me with the support ii need badly whenever i'd crumbled.
all ii ever wished for, is a listening ear,
someone whom ii can share my joys and sorrows with.

all ii ever wanted, is a little more care and concern,
to let me know you are aware of my existence.
all ii ever wanted, is to feel a little love coming from you,
to convince myself that you do mean it when you said ii hold a place in your heart.

all that ii wanted...
all these ii shall never have..

i have done it

2008-09-15T02:33:00.000+08:00

in my previous post, ii mentioned ii wanna confessed before ii leave for taipei. in the end ii had not. cos the night before ii went on the long break, you and ii were smsing as per usual. you had not asked about where i am going. you did not make any indications that you know ii went overseas. cos you wrote that you envied me for being able to sleep late and wake up late. why the pretense? its so apparent that you do know yet you didnt ask and neither did ii told you. ii flew off in a happy mood and wanna really enjoy the long break away from you and away from work stuffs.

the past few days thats some weird happenings. during daytime while im out shopping and stuff, you have never entered my mind. its almost as if you don't hold a place in my heart. BUT, here's the unusual thing. every night without fail since ii had reached taipei, you appear in my thoughts constantly. ii woke up from the dream remembering the details clearly. we are a couple in the dreams and you are out with me during my gathering with primary sch, seconday schools and my ex-colleagues. the most weird of all is, after ii awaken from the dream, ii went back to sleep. and you surfaced inside the dream once more. in other words, just a night ii can dream of you like 3 times? faint. previously ii only dreamt of you fortnightly. once we are miles apart, the dreams turned so frequent..

this dream incidents really got into me. after 4 consequential nights of such things, ii can take it no more. ii woke up and the tears just flowed by itself. ii can't stop the tears. and shawn (my girl good friend) saw me crying and asked what had happened. as she have went to tekong in Feb and just POP, she wasn't aware of the things between ken and ii. updated her and she shared that one of the reasons why she came taipei is also cos she wished to forget her ex. she is much more clearminded than ii am though. she advised me to profess since ii wanna know the answer badly. after all, she knows ii hate having regrets. ii sat there and considered for an hour. finally, ii'd made up my mind to sms him.

the past few days that im here, i cant stop thinking about u & the dinners/talks that we have. i've been waking up to dreams abt u. i just wanna say i really like u i guess. r/s may not be wad u want. but i don wanna keep quiet & suffer anymore. i always feel down whenever u emphasize u didn't want a r/s.. i've said my piece. i hope that we're still friends even if u don feel the same way.
actually i know wad u want long ago. u're not alone when u confess ur feelings. but r/s aint my priority & i have high expectations too. not easy. don think too much k? focus on ur carrer first. u'll soon come to realise there's greater things in life to pursue.

supposedly he has feelings for me too since he had wrote, "you are not alone when you confess your feelings". BUT as expected, he stressed on that he don't want a relationship. reading his sms, no tears came at all. in fact, ii felt more peaceful. even if its a white lie to console me, ii don't mind. ii have said out my thoughts and make sure he really knows it rather than let it remains an assumption. the rest of the stuff i'll just let natural takes its course. he loves acting cool about stuff so ii believe we should not have any awkwardness when we met again. finally ii can sleep well tonight!~

all, or nothing at all

2008-09-09T22:28:00.002+08:00

Mr Kenny Ang C.K., take it as ii beg you. please keep your distance from me. now whenever you'd shown a lil concern for me, whenever you initiate a conversation with me, whenever you look in my direction, whenever you come near me, all my mind tells me to do is move further away from you. simply cos your presence around me is now considered hurt. im reminded of all we had before & e sudden change after e dreadful 28th Aug 2008 outing. the happiness and soothing effect which ii used to feel when you're around are all gone.

but, the feelings, the crush, the admiration and perhaps even a lil bit of love which ii may have for you are still there. as strong as before. looking at the intensive reactions ii'll have whenever you do any of the lil things, ii know things have gone much more deeper than ii realise.

still, ii wanna let you know of my feelings. from our talk yesterday, ii know you don't have plans of leaving LGA so soon. earliest will be end of this year. doubt ii can contain it that long. since i'll be overseas from 11-16th Sept 2008, guess tomorrow will be the best time for me to profess it. then we will have 7 days to cool down and he can think of what's next. how am ii gonna go about it doing it though? no clue at this moment. i'll definitely say something like this, "you're a clever guy who is quick-minded and often able to make accurate judgements. so ii don't think that theres anything which can be hidden from you. but its evident that you are pretending to be ignorant of some stuff....". shall see how. this morning he had emphasized again that career and degrees are his current priorities. he will not talk about other stuff til he has this two basic things. hope that he will reject me straight off. then i'll have a good excuse for the sudden change in attitude towards him when im back. keeping my fingers and toes crossed!!

final straw

2008-09-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

thats only one reason ii had locked up my blog. and its because e feeling that ken knows my blog address is getting stronger by e day. regardless of whether is that facts or just fiction, doesnt matter anymore. as mentioned on 30th Aug 2008, ii am choosing to stop all forms of contacts with him cos ii can no longer take e current situation. and cos im pretty certain of my feelings for him. in my last entry, ii had said how he has actually started e initiation again. smses, jabbers and even dinner.

when ii touched on 2nd Sept 2008, ii had left out that he's actually feeling quite unwell that day. but he still acc me to my fren's shop. e journey from e bus stop where we alighted to e salon takes about 15-20 minutes. its drizzling that night and he walked with me all e way. next day, he's on MC. he's in LGA for 8 weeks already. no matter how bad he's coughing nor sneezing away, he had never missed a day's work. but after acc me that night, he fell sick and have high fever. that touched my heart. and leads me to believe we may have a chance after all. and during e week he's pretty active in making conversations with me and even suggested dinner.

ytd morning ii had not auto asked him if e dinner's still on. he himself approached me and confirmed e dinner. so off we went @ 630pm. but boy, ii really regretted to agreeing to this dinner. for e first time that we had been together, this is e most awkward trip ii ever have with him. when ii lost my balance on e train, he catched my arm. when walking, our fingers touched a few times accidentally. ⅔ of e journey we have silence between us. no words are exchanged. ii attempted to initiate conversation a couple of times but when e topic has been discussed finished, he turned quiet again. e same goes for dinner time. we had chatted on work and work only. dinner ended and he sent me to bus stop. "not everything can be achieved just cos you worked hard for it. not necessary that everything that one wants he wil be able to fight for it and have it", ii said. he asked wad do ii want. "thats for me and me myself to know" "you already are on track in your career. wad else do you need?" ii kept quiet. "wad do you really want???" didnt gave him any answer. chased him to go back home. he finally left when he saw how determined ii am. "sms me when you reach home k?" "see first" ii turned and walked away in e opp direction.

tears dropped immediately. its e first time that we had nothing to chat about. its e first time we didnt talk about our personal life. first time we seem so distant. its almost like we are strangers. wad happen? wad went wrong? wad happen to e times when we talk freely about anything under e sun? ii have no idea. cried my heart out. this proves that e decision ii made after e drinking incident is correct. still, knowing this doesnt help myself to be strong. today morning, he smsed, "hope you had rest early yesterday. how ii wish for a peaceful home. you shd really appreciate e silence n quietude." this aint e first time he had said this statement. ii shot back, "my parents' divorce has a great impact on me. shutting myself from e world & being independent aint my decision. e care & concern ii yearn for is never shown. my best companion all e long has been my laptop. you lead a different life from me. you will never be able to understand what lonliness and silence meant to people like me." he didnt reply and ii had left it as that.

super duper long entry

2008-09-07T23:20:00.003+08:00

woah. its a week since ii last updated this space. the week had past by in a blink of the eye. what have ii been up to? hmmmm lets see.

huixian darlingg is a good pal of mine ever since 2004. she's there for me during my xintat's days. someone whom ii clicked with easily and we can chat about anything under the sun. she knows lots about the dark period of my life. but after ii went into "depression" state, ii had went MIA on her. basically we are hardly there for each other past 2 years and the number of times we had met up could be counted with just a hand. anyway, we finally get to meet up this week. tuesday, saturday & today. she's working at toa payoh now which is pretty near to amk. and the best part is there are buses to tpy from clementi. so as long as she needs me, ii can be there for her. she has gotten a new bf which works is her colleague. but problem is her boss will not let them publicised the r/ship as the guy's ex is working there too. silly right? now cos my darlingg to be so upset over it and she is the type who thinks too much and always put others first before she considers about her own feelings. sounds pretty alike to how ii used to be.

wanna lend her a helping hand but yet ii cant. the r/ship belongs to the two of them. suggestions are all outsiders can give and its still up to the decision of both parties. the foolish girl keeps crying and keeping things to herself. really hurts to see her that way. but thank God i'm by her side this time. cos she finally listens to my advice and confronted her bf about the ex's presence between us. even though the topic is mentioned thru sms but ii believe the guy will talk about it face to face too. ii have talked to him before and the three of us had went out too. huixian darlingg~ you have my support!

grandma was hospitalised on thursday. the sms from yonghua kor came around evening time. ah ma felt numbness on the area surrounding her head and neck area since morning. she had only told ah gong in noon. faint. er shen & er gu they all were then informed and sent her to hospital immediately. doctor'd done a CT scan on her and a full body check up. other than her high blood pressure's level is high and there's slight blockage around her neck area causing the numbness, things look pretty optimistic. she had stayed in hospital for two days and was discharged on saturday. went to visit her yesterday and accompany er gu & johan to brings ah ma down to toa payoh to see chinese sinseh. then brought her back to er gu's house to stay for the week. my cousin jocelyn was from nursing previously so she will be able to take good care of ah ma and watch her condition closely. the doctor said that ah ma will get a stroke anytime within this 7 days >.< hope things will be fine. ah gong has fallen sick too. think its probably cos worrying about ah ma thus the sudden illness. ah gong and ah ma are pretty closely tied together. after all they have been married for 60 years or so. if anything happens to one of them..... ii cant imagine wad will unfold. glad that both of them are the happy-go-lucky type of person. God, please help them to maintain an optimistic outlook always!

as for ken, ii also dunno wad shd ii blog about him. monday's dinner was canceled as he doesn't have enough sleep over the weekend. he suggested changing the dinner to thurs or fri but ii keep saying never mind, its okay and hinted we can do away with the dinner. but he insisted on it. so we had agreed to have it on coming monday instead which is 8th sept, tomorrow. through out the week (weekdays only), he has been initiating smses or jabber msgs with me. ii no longer immediately reply to him when ii receive the msgs; will wait like 10 minutes or so and finish my current stuff before answering him. but his responses have been arriving pretty fast; within 5 minutes ii may say. now its back to the earlier days whereby he will sms me and ask me not to leave office too late should he left first. sometime this week ii had briefly commented on his dressing of formal clothes throughout the 6 weeks thats he is here. gently reminded him that fridays are dressed down days so can wear casual clothes. his reply is that he preferred the formal wear as his customers may have unannounced visits anytime. but, guess what? friday he wore causal wear.

all the paragraphs above are stuff which happened during 1-5th Sept. ii wanna touch more on 2nd Sept though. ken & ii took bus back together for the first time in close to 4 weeks. we had not boarded the bus at same stop. but he managed to stand diagonally across me on the bus (he's nearer to the exit while im at the railing). didnt initiated chat with him as i was msging huixian. was planning to alight at mrt but he stopped at the first turn into clementi road. he remembered thats where ii can take 165 or else ii gotta walk to interchange. thats not the point though. im heading to tpy that day. so ended up he traveled with me and even sent me to huixian's shop. so coincidentally that hye is staying just opposite huixian's workplace and he needed to redraw cash. so he accompanied me all the way. on the bus trip, ii asked him whether he is drunk that night. he looked into my eyes and told me no. "i even sent michelle home before i go back home". ii turned to look out the window. he then continued on asking some stuff about her; like who she used to lunch with blah. feel like telling him to ask michelle himself but ii just answered all his questions. he also insisted that they are talking about work more often than not.

but my ears aren't deaf. those times during lunch when you were just besides me, ii can hear what type of conversations you two are having. and you yourself had said that when you use blackberry, its usually communicating with michelle & desmond. and thats the handset ii saw you busy with every morning and evening when we aren't on bus together. why bother with the explaniation? the drinking incident is to your benefit already as thats the last straw which caused me not to be able to handle my emo for you and choose to let go. your interest isn't in me obviously so why the start of initiation again? and its obvious that mich has a thing for him. asked him to lunch alone with her. always calling him to ask about work when she notice the 2 of us are leaving the office together. even helped him to finish up his drink. wad kind of colleagues will do that for another colleague of the different gender? anyway, i'll be out of your sight from 11-18 sept. if you aint sure of your feelings, then you can observe whether ii had surfaced on your mind during these days. if yes, what are the thoughts? if no, then the answer is pretty clear cut.

conclusion made

2008-08-30T19:13:00.004+08:00

after 15 hours of sleep, ii feel much clear-minded. when ii woke up, ii realise that menses have come visiting. now ii know why am ii so emotional yesterday. spent some time thinking through the whole episode between me and kenny. sorted out most of my thoughts already.

1) using each other's stuff
ii started going over to your place and used your computer first. naturally if you need to use my stuff, you will walk over and use it too. sharing of sour prunes and placing on your table is cos ii told you go ahead with it. ii had taken it back on friday. you didnt come over for it once at all.

2) the dinners together
just like what you told others, you prefer eating out then having homecooked food. your dinner dates are mostly your buddies. it will be a refreshing change to have dinner with someone else at times.

3a) the night at toa payoh
you are just being a gentleman, sending me to interchange as you were afraid ii would get lost. staying with me until 12 midnight is cos you are used to staying up til late hours. and this is also a chance to let us get to know each other better. perhaps its this night that confirmed your suspicion that ii got feelings for you.

3b) you said you believed totally that im being put aeroplane
it could be a white lie. no point in exposing my lies. and you don't wanna hurt me in anyway so this will be the best answer

4) taking bus together
you know ii usually take bus alone. and it happens that im still around when you are about to leave. thus you had asked if im going off yet. after all, having companionship on bus isn't a bad thing. anyway, it has been 3 weeks since we last took 183 together.
those times we met coincidentally at bus stops (regardless morning or evenings), you had said you didnt spotted me as you aint sensitive to your surroundings. this could be pretty true as all of us (my colleagues too) come to realise this week.

5) does not mind viewing fireworks especially if it coincides with my outing
okay this part ii dunno how to explain. ii had pasted the smses between us in previous post. even though you had said the above, you had added on behind you will not make the extra effort. BUT the next few smses in sequence to this, seems to indicate you have slight interest in me. but of cos, its just assumption on my part. ASS-U-ME is making an ASS out of U and ME so shall not bother with reading too much behind these words.

6) candid shots with michelle & the rest except me
this is a pretty clear way of rejecting me. you know ii got feelings for you. if we are to take too close pictures, you know ii could have interpret the wrong way. and you also do not wish to allow the others have a chance to say that we got a leg. so taking a couple of pictures & stopping at here is the wisest decision.

7) smses/messages
you had mentioned before that you like chatting with people. and its a basic courtesy to response when people initiate a conversation with you anyway. similarly goes for the chats you had initiated commenting that ii looked tired out or whatever. and ii already said you are acting dao, thus all the more you had replied to almost every single sms the past week(s). but ever since that day, smses have stopped. ii didnt initiate any with you either.

8) never formally rejecting me
ii have never declared my feelings for you. its just actions from me thus far. if you are to come right out and said you are not interested in me, ii could have said its you think too much. and you had insisted on your stand of prefering to be single til having a stable carrer. so yup. this is your way of rejection ii guess. after all we are colleagues. should you reject me straight out, anyone could have seem the difference as ii will definitely be inching away.

after coming up with a conclusion for all the bits and pieces of stuff which leads me to believe we got a chance, ii realise ii am just being a fool in love again. blinded just cos you are being a gentleman and careful not to hurt my feelings. during these 6 weeks, ii have occasionally flashbacks of 2003 to 2006 days. and ii know ii have come very close to resuming 欣's personality a couple of times. it took me 1+ years to pick myself up after the xintat's incident. ii worked hard to get to where ii am at LGA now. ii shouldn't let a guy wiped off all the effort ii have put in the past 2+ years.

Kenny Ang C.K, read this carefully. ii know ii have fallen for you and ii cant stop myself from the jealousy ii felt when you are with michelle. ii do not want to make things awkward for us at work. ii dun wish for anything to spoilt the special friendship that we have now as ii really treasure it. ii will stop all my moves; smses, the bus trips, not going to use your computer anymore and so on. if you got feelings for me, you gotta make the move yourself. if you gonna let us become a missed chance, then i'll respect you for it.

as for dinner on Monday, 1st Sept 2008. after all that had happened, ii dunno if you still remember this arrangement we had made. ii will ask you on Mon about it. if you had forgotten, we will leave it as that. if you hadn't, we will go ahead with it. thats a question which ii will put across to you when we parting. that is, are you drunk that day. yes, no, ii will accept it all. ii just wanna see your face and reaction when ii phrase the question to you. there after, i'll turn and walk around pretending we are only colleagues. ii mean it, from the bottom of my heart.

2008-08-29T14:22:00.002+08:00

28th August 2008
Today went to Brewerks @ Clark Quay for Sep babies' dinner celebration. thats 10 of us; Sherry, Huiting, Me, Kenny, Joanna, Michelle, Aaron, Robert, Jay & Net. Ken is seated opposite me while Michelle, as usually is besides him. even before the dinner, ii was already pretty quiet the whole day. adding on with him in front of me, kinda make me even quieter than before. when eating, my eyesight will always be on TV or else chatting with everyone else except him & Michelle. not ii being unfriendly. its just the 2 of them were talking among themselves. so be it.

for those who knows me well, should recall that ii dun touch gassy drinks, more over its beer we are talking about now. ken knows about it too as we talked about this topic a couple of times. but dunno wad got over me. ii'd down beer like water. and ii think he remembered wad ii had said, cos ii felt his eyes on me each time ii picked up my cup & drinked. ii had even challenged the guys to 干杯。 but everybody knows ii aint drank as i'm talking sense.

photo taking & heavy drinking session started after we had finished up our dinner. as the camera flash is too bright and ii had not adjusted to it yet, my eye kept blinking. time goes by and ii got used to it. were teasing J & Aaron to take gay-ier photos then they started asking Ken to have a photo taken with me. there was a space in between us. ii refused to bulge. but he auto moved over beside me. Aaron then asked us to take closer photos. his arm then was placed on my chair. and we were slightly touching shoulder to his chest area. later on when ii viewed the pics, im okay. but he had blinked his eyes. more photos were captured on Michelle's cam. but ii didnt go over take a look. got a feeling she will delete them. she kept commenting then ii had closed my eyes. cant be bothered with her.

the next thing ii know, she asked me to help HER and Ken take photos. crap. she auto slinged her arms over him and he got reacted lorsh. they are like so close can. one of the pics was she almost kissing him. AND I AM THE ONE WHO TOOK THE PHOTO. DAMNNIT! freaking jealous and mad and upset over it. ii don't dare to be too close too him cos ii dun wan get disturbed by the others. also cos ii scare that he will be uncomfortable with it. ended up? wad happen??

fine. two can play this game. after that ii initiated take pics with J and Aaron separately. in all these pics, ii was very close to them. everybody commented in the pics its as if we are couple. cos we got slang arms around each other, hugged & kissing face too. he witnessed it all. took super close and candid shots with huiting also. his eyes were on me all the while. huiting noticed it and told me. but ii refused to give him a look. so he came standing behind me. then the irritating Michelle followed him. ANGRY!

we all parted ways at 11 plus. Michelle choose to take a cab and Ken following her. he asked me how am ii going back. ii turned to Robert & he said he will send me home. ii agreed readily and walked in the opposite direction. leaving the two of them together is my decision. Ken should already know by now that Michelle likes to act drank and anyhow. well, he wanna be with her right? go ahead! ii will not give a damn about it!

29th August 2008
woke up feeling depressed over last night's happening. no sms from him. all the progress we had made the past few days are all forgotten. ii blocked him in jabber & msn. ii didn't join them for lunch. he had not asked me why nor did he ask if need to packet food for me. no sms still when in the office. no form of contact, no nothing.

well, some will say ii started drawing the line first. who cares? to me, if you are really that concern, you would have approached me to find out wad happened. you hadn't so we shall leave it as it is. even considering calling the dinner date off on Monday. call me childish and over-reacting. but hey, you yourself said you aint interested in r/ship. and maybe you dun wanna reject me cos we are colleagues after all. then its okay. ii shall stop all my moves then.

I'M OFFICIALLY PISSED OFF AT YOU AND YOU WILL BE BLACKLISTED TIL FURTHER NOTICE. MARK MY WORDS EVERYBODY. TAN JULIA FAITH MEANT EVERY SINGLE WORD WRITTEN IN THIS POST. IT WILL NOT BE JUST A DAY THING I'M 200% CONFIRMED GUARRANTED CONFIRMED ON THIS!

lalala~

2008-08-27T21:18:00.000+08:00

Its raining heavily during lunch time today. As ii wanna do my Facebook stuff before going off, ii told Sherry ii will join them later. So she passed me an umbrella for me to use when ii go over next door. They left but 10 minutes later Ken came back to office and asked me if i'm ready to go. Wanted to say "No" but he continued to say that they dun have extra umbrella so ii stopped my stuff and leave with him. The two of us shared a pink umbrella. and he is the one carrying it. LOL! but ah, he kinda hold it in wrong direction. so both of us were still drenched in the end. im much more wet though cos ii didnt wanna walk too close with him. by right ii should snatch the chance right? ii choose not to though hahax.

Anyway, ever since last thursday until now, we seem to be making progress. everyday after work we will sms each other. if he reaches home or is with frenz, will stop the sms. BUT, every night before he went to bed, he will reply my last sms to him. then in the morning when ii wake up, my 1st sms of the day will be from him. how do ii know that he smsed before sleep? well, ii had asked him and he told me. plus ii witnessed it one day. after he offlined in MSN, he smsed me then jiu off to dreamland le.

ii finally got the courage to ask him for dinner again. after all it has been 3 weeks since we last took bus together. so ii asked. and he agreed readily. dinner date set to be Monday, 1st September 2008. a great start to a brand new month! /me smiles widely!!!!

ii always remember this day 25th Aug 08 at 0720hrs

2008-08-25T21:25:00.004+08:00

had smsed ken on saturday when im on the way to meet my friends. asked him whether he will watch fireworks and an explanation for his answer. he hadn't replied me. so ii never think much of it. suddenly this morning 2am he responsed that he would not as it has very little entertaining value to him. this sms should be sent just before he went to bed ii guess. decided to wait til morning then msged him so that we can be smsing on the way to work.

so yep. morning ii sent an sms saying that he should probably catch it once with your future wife and you'll then get why ii love the fireworks. lol. guess wad he replied? this is wad caused my jaw to drop and smiling the whole morning! "Haahaa I'm not really entertained by fireworks. mayb it's nice 2 view it. all the more so if it's coincidental on your outing trip. But i wun take the extra effort" when ii read this msg ii just stunned. looked back to see wad i had said in the earlier reply. ii had asked him to catch it with his future wife and he said he wouldn't mind watching it esp if he bumps into me..??!!!??! what does that means? okay ii know he had added on that he will not made the extra effort. but still.... anyway ii took 10 minutes to recover. read on.

me > it'll be great if 2 of us r tgt. but if it ain't possible at the point in time, thinking of the other party during the moment will warm one's heart too (:
ken > hmmm i've never experience this b4 so i probably won't know. haahaa. i feel watching with friends is more heart warming then ever esp with close frenz
me > definitely but u mentioned ur frenz book ur weekend weeks ahead at times so its not gonna be easy getting you out with me
ken > if you call each weekend like a weekday ie 4 wkends in every 30days. its not many. sometimes im not well over the weekend and i'll just cancel the meeting ya =)

the topic then moved on to else stuff. so wads the above all about??? see liao just blurred out. does it means ii have a chance? ii dun think its ii imagining bah. the smses above are real. in my handphone. and he has not hesitated in his reply. all the msgs came in within 5 minutes of each other. then we stopped the messaging when reached office. but when he left work, he continued the earlier morning last smsed ii sent him which he hadn't replied. and according to reliable sources, during lunch once my hp rang he took a look at my reaction when ii picked up the call. hmmm....? weird. lost again lol.

weekend happenings

2008-08-24T21:02:00.002+08:00

meet up with June, Kino & Ben for dinner and to watch Fireworks Festival yesterday. originally planned to take sg flyer up to watch the beautiful view and of singapore. but its raining the whole day so decided against it. Ben's dad had parked at Marina Sq's food court on friday to see the fireworks and had told Ben which direction to look out for. so we got an idea where will be the best place to witness the wonderous colours in the sky. checked out the food court's view, followed by the roof top of Marina Sq. these weren't top enough, neither can we have the entire display. so decided to go Mandrain Oriental Hotel. guess wad? we climbed up to 19th storey already and the roof access is @ 22nd. we met the security guards and were chased down. as Kino was ahead, he had reached the top and informed us its locked too. faint.

time is 815pm by then. Ben thought of benjamin shears' bridge then. made our way over immediately. thank God that Ben had cancelled his appointment with his friends and chosen to come with me instead. or we would not have known about such a stragetic location to see the amazing fireworks. it has been two years since ii last saw it. this time around, its much much nicer. thats only one regret that ii have tonight; being greedy and tried taking 15minutes of the video instead in batches. but hey, wad ii saw will remain in my heart definitely. click here to view the photos taken by my friend, mr yan!

the very last time ii met Ben is back in my secondary school days. though we both went in to nyp, we hadn't bumped into each other. few months ago he started smsing me and wanna meet up with me. but time isn't right. we always ended up cancelling the meeting last minute as things cropped up. he hadn't changed all these years. still looked and sounded the old Ben ii used to know. he holded my hand and offered me his arms when ii almost slipped and fall as i'm wearing heels and its raining. pretty gentleman. chatted on the 1+ hour ride back to amk. dunno wad got over me. suddenly said out ken's name when ii wanna talked about alex >.< after that, the rest of the conversation between Ben and ii surrounded about ken's past experience; his ambitions and the ranks he used to hold.

we parted ways about 12mn. on the way back ii realise something. all the guys' fren that ii have, ii can always joke around with them. hold hands & arms & tickling them, its all not an issue. ii can do it as and when ii wanna and the guy will never protest. but when it comes to the guy ii like, in this case is ken, ii wanna tickle him but ii dun dare to. when ii wanna get his attention, ii will only call his name or knocked on his chair. ii dun dare to touch him at all. why so? really have no idea =( ii also does not need to have his photo. cos his face is printed on my mind and soul. faith ah faith, dun get so serious! later you will fall deep!!!!!

confused

2008-08-20T21:32:00.003+08:00

19th August 2008
returned back to work today. last night was unable to fall asleep. not sure whether its due to the sudden increase of dosage for my medicine. anyway, was feeling fine when ii left house. but once ii boarded mrt, my body starts feeling unwell. the headache started kicking in much worser than the previous days. then my body temperature seems to rise. ii felt super hot but im aware that actually the room temp is normal. my thighs developed two patch of rashes as its pretty itchy since Sunday. then thats also dunno stomach wind or flu which makes me wanna vomit. had not skipped any meals on Sunday nor Monday. so goodness know what went wrong. body aches added on above all. faint.

reached office jiu approach ewei for gastric medicine. while waiting for her, dunno wad got into me. tears started flowing for no reason. it started off as a few drops nia. then turned into as if im crying. but its not ii wanna cry. the tears dropped by itself and ii cant stop it. hide over at finance room for close to an hour as there much quieter and emptier. dunno wanna let others see my non-sensical state of mind. but dunno how come sherry knows about it. T_T she walked over to show concern. wanna take MC actually but KP walked in and discussed with me all the outstanding issues ii have on hand. so decided to continue on. thank God by lunch im okay as ii swallowed 2 panadol.

through it all, ken had not asked me if im okay. he knows once im inside office, i'll boot up my laptop. ii had not until 30min later. and ii sat down at my desk & keep blowing my nose and have the crying-alike sound. and the first hour ii kept shuttling between my office & finance room. he had not shown any form of concern. we left office at different timings. but as the frequency of the bus is 20-30mins after 7pm, we ended up on same bus. we boarded at different stops though. ii saw him before he came up but ii quickly busy myself smsing a fren. does not look @ his direction at all. not even when ii alighted. couldnt helped myself. smsed him after that. we smsed all the way til he went to bed. but he had not asked my condition at all. even though he is the first to know that im sick ever since Friday. wadever.

20th August 2008
he had not asked me whether im leaving office for close to a week already. and it has been ii think close to 2 weeks since we last took bus together to Clementi. after the change of events in the last two weeks, with him acting cool still and blowing hot and cold, ii no longer wanna spot him in morning buses nor leave office within 5-10 minutes that he leave. each morning when ii wait for 183, i'll pray hard that ii will not see him. but the more ii dun wanna see him, the more ii seem to be bumping into him.

he is zoned out in morning usually so mostly ii spotted him from far and turned my back to him. treating his presence as invisible. not looking at his direction at all. usually he stands at the head of the bus stop while im at the end. so ii saw the bus coming first moved to front to wait for it to stop. didnt see him so ii glanced around to see his location. dots. he was standing pretty close to where ii am earlier. he has perfect eyesight so ii dun really think he hadnt see me lor. makes me start to have doubts all those times that he claimed hadn't spotted me.

the hours passed pretty fast. no words were exchanged between us. during lunch, he is always seated next to or opposite Michelle. today they were chatting among themselves all the way. all stopped to wait for Joling while she buys snacks but the 2 of them had not. they went off first. no comments. same thing, he left office without a word. walked over to chat with Mic before he goes. ii no longer bother to catch up with him recently and today is the same. also gave up in initating the sms with him. after all, wads the point of continuing when it seems like im the only one putting in the effort?

he suddenly onlined in jabber and talked to me. typed in chinese "so late still dun wanna go?" stunned. its ages since he last auto chatted with me. but of cos ii acted cool and slow in the response as im busy with my ONS things. when ii left office, he wasn't active in jabber. so ii just left a msg to say im making a move. "if you wanna contd the chat, then sms me. but if you are tired, then its alright. see you tmr." he smsed me and stopped when he wanna go off to bed.

why the change in attitude? ii cant figure out his thinking at all man. getting pretty lost. he seems to be aware when ii wanna let go and ignore his presence. cos at times like these, he will always started being the one to approach me. dear ah ken ah... you have got me stumped. you are the first guy in a long while whose thoughts are neither unreadable nor interpretatable by me. of cos, this is with respect to r/ship & whats ur actual feelings for me. all others like character and mindset, im okay. im only lacking in this >.<

your care is more evident

2008-08-18T23:22:00.004+08:00

最近你好像比較注意我和關心我了。當我不再office時﹐你會打電話給我。 when calling me, your first words will always be asking me where ii am. and what time i'll be going back to office. then ii will question you why suddenly ask me that 喔﹖then your excuse will be that nothing much, just wanna borrow the batt's charger. but its like, ii got direct him to borrow the charger from Sugi. his answer will then be, “那不用盡。等你回來吧”。 which is why no matter how, i'll always try to leave cust's place by 5pm so that ii can be back at office and take bus with him. silly of me right?

ii said him twice that he is turning more and more dao. my words seem to have some kind of effect on him. ever since then, he does reply to my smses and jabber. and on jabber, we even chatted outside work stuff. and he will not ignore it now. in smses, he tried to end the conversation by saying take care and enjoy your weekend. but each reply ii sent, he will continue it. thats once when ii really accidentally called him. the call got through 9 secs before ii realise it & hung up the call. he should hang up as its obvious it was a mistaken call but he didnt. faint.

today ii went off-in-lieu and had not told him. he thought im away at customer's place and called me about 3pm. same thing, wanna borrow the charger. lol. so ii tell him ii will not be going in. he sounded disappointed and said, "Oh.. how come? on leave? off? or sick?" he remembered wad we smsed about 3 days ago. hahax. responsed on off but was sick. then asked me to take care before hanging up. not long later i online jabber and we talked. his first words was to ask me to go and rest well. getting kinda lost. today we chatted about r/ship & companionship once more. your stand is still as strong as ever. so what does the above means?

i've seen you chatted with many other female colleagues on work stuff and also some other stuff. but never heard you guys chatted personal life and sharing of views. is it really ii think too much? well well, ii only know you are on my mind more often now. 我真的喜歡你打從我的心底。好怕那一天你會知道。。。

11th Aug week update

2008-08-15T23:16:00.001+08:00

okay this week has been a pretty busy and tiring week. partically everyday is after work is meeting fren(z). read on to find out. but of cos, ii mentioned a lil about him too hahaha!

11th August 2008
princess jane finally asked me out. we went to the cathay and watched "Bad Habits". its a Spanish award-winning film. storyline revolves around women trying to hard to lose weight and getting their children to be the same as them. also, talking about a girl who could be a doctor but ended up being a nun or wadever you called that in a church. reason is cos she feels a doctor will not be able to save lives and only being a believer of Christ will one be able to recover and/or get well from illness faster.

dun really like the movie. but hey, at least ii get to spend time with my princess (: after movie headed over to Xin Wang for dinner. we chatted about where ii hope to head in future for my work wise. also mentioned about kenny. finally ii got a guy to talk about, she must be thinking. cos i'm single for the past 2+ years and hadn't shown much interest in any guys. except p@nd@ lol. so yup. and jane shows me she kinda changed. no longer that clinged to her bf and treasure the time she has with me. alex wanna come and join us actually but she rejected her. even took mrt with me when alex could have drove her back. thanks girl. ii appreciate it =D

12th August 2008
quite disappointed today. had cancelled my meeting with jeff as stomach upset. so thought ii could take bus back with ken since the rest of the days ii will be out with friends. but ended up he left office without saying a single word to me. all ii know is when ii turned around, he is gone. but of cos, ii got the feeling he left already as he sprayed perfume before he is out of office. why so? don't know. he didnt used to do that. weird~ its not cos he is meeting girls. ii believe he really does meet up with his bunch of good friends at night. after all, he has no reason to lie to me.

oh yah, ii got see him at bus stop too. he took some time to come out. guess he is smoking behind. as to if he is with anyone or was he waiting there for me, i'm not sure. he hadn't smsed when he is out either. argh! and at bus stop, ii was standing behind while sarah they all were in front. he stood with them and seated with them. had not alighted at the same stop as me either. no idea why. did he really not see me? or he just wanna be with them?
anyway, 失望. ii guess this means all the more i'm correct to decide to keep a distance away from him. since he already seems to be fading away, then shall let it be. sadddd~

13th August 2008
after yesterday's episode, decided not to have lunch with them. ii need to have the space before ii really fall deeper. so yup. ii was back at office faster than the rest as ii ate liao then went back. so when ken returns to office during lunch, he still sees me at work. he tried asking me face to face if ii had my lunch but ii thought he was talking to alvin so had not answered. so he jabbered me and asked me. told him ii did. then he was worried that ii didnt came along as Mani was around. ii just brushed it off and said ii wanna time alone. he was curious why. so ii told him rmbr that msn msg ii sent you the other time? he's got a question mark look. then ii found he that he that night had not received the msn msg from me. cos he is using yahoo! messenger. will not receive offline messages. faint. how could ii have forgotten?

well, we took bus together today and its ii decided to catch up with him. pearlyn saw us ii think. but she had not said anything. anyway, on bus to clementi we chatted about work. he said that all that he is doing now isn't wad he wanted. he wanna do more of biz rather than IT. said that if he really wanna do IT, he will not have chosen LGA and so on. but then ii argued back then biz cannot survive without IT. knowing about IT is not enough. one must be able to apply it too. so on. ii also told him that in my opinon he is against IT thus he will be so unhappy with here. well, he said he is pretty certain of what he wanted. not sure if all ii had said had affected him anot, but he ended the topic saying that he will wait til he finished the process then think about the future.

seriously, i'm used to his presence. with him around, seeing his smile just warms my heart you know? cant really imagine no more him. will be quite sad lei. anything is, if he leaves, should ii declare my feelings? or let it be..? no idea :S

14th August 2008
hmmm i dreamt of his last night again. this time we are in office and there's new female colleagues who are very pretty. so ii used the chance to ask him what type of girls he like. but he never reply me. lol. then ii wake up le. then today morning he got smsed me wor. in response to ytd sms. but its like, he really just continue the sms all the way. he reached office about 830am. ii have not reached yet. he continued the sms even though ii may be reaching any second wor. this keeps a smile on my face the whole day. so happy!

hahax. ii went out to customer's place in the morning. 1+pm then back to LGA. smsed ken and found out they went NUS for lunch. so called Jo to help me buy lunch back. just so happen only ken eats western food. so he helped me buy it and also the fruit juice. cos like that ii need to pay him only mah. dunno how come the whole office knows that he bought food for me. once ii started eating, everybody asked me if its sweet and very delicious. faint. hahax. but hahax!

觉悟了

2008-08-08T22:03:00.000+08:00

我终于明白和觉悟了。你会 Michelle 在一起是因为你想和她学习 Blackberry 的东西。所以你会选择和她吃饭 and even take bus with her. but its too late that ii realise this. cos the words are out. that's no way ii can take it back. even if ii had msned you and apologise for it. are you mad at me? ii have no idea. ii only know the words exchanged between us are getting lesser each day. its really hurting. feel like crying. have said that not all girls will be so childish and 吃醋。但我偏偏就吃了。 the minor chance which ii may have could be all gone.

期待只会带来失望。 at least for my case. haix. why things turn this way? meant to be just a game. ended up generating feelings for you. but hey, Faith has never believed in platonic friendship. so LOL! its all cos 我们对彼此产生了好感(regardless between girls or boys)所以我们才会变成好友。 nothing to object with this statement right? lalala!

anyway, since ii already 反醒了, and already know ii dun wanna this game to go on as the hurt party may be me, i'll be distancing myself and him. 我不会在等他一起放工。如果我做完我的东西我就会先走。但当然会对他说一声因为他都会问我；是个礼貌行。但不会在因为和他聊天就坐过站。也不会在为自己制造机会了。 this plan has taken effect as of today. cos we were the only left in office @ 730pm. he asked me if ii going off. ii said in 10-15mins. in the end ii only left about 20-30mins later. perhaps he could have waited for me a while. but ii doubt so. shall not place hopes on him anyway.

加油 Faith! focus on work first!! anyway, there's chances he may not stay on. cos he felt pretty stressed & tired out by work. ii'd given him a simple view from my perpsect; Regardless of where you are working, you need to learn from the ropes. moreover we are in the midst of revamping the process, things will only get better. weigh your pros and cons. if u see more cons, then its your choice. seems that the above helps a bit. cos he looks better after that. (:

dead meat

2008-08-05T22:36:00.002+08:00

ii know ii got good feelings from the start when ii first started the game. but didnt expect that ii will go to the extent of being jealous you know. ytd huiting told me that she overheard kenny & sarah talking about private stuff. and she commented they seem on pretty good terms. wasn't jealous when ii heard it. but wanna use it to tease him instead as he mentioned he not interested in r/s. so ii briefly mentioned ii heard about him & sarah. he said they were talking abt work. so i just responsed, "oh is it". then he added on sometimes the topic does go on to stuffs unrelated to work. so ii left it as that. aint me who asked for the details. just teasing nia yet he told me the stuff himself. and nowadays whenever he on bus, he will auto sms me first.

decided to keep my distance to see how things turn. so today had not ate lunch nor took bus back with him. he wanted to acc me stay back actually as he asked if im staying back alone. i managed to convince him to go off without me. he online via blackberry once he out of office to talk to me. i got replied but then he did not msg me again til much later. guess what he msg me? he took train with Michelle back. he also smsed me the same thing as i had not replied to his jabber. i ignored his sms as i was busy troubleshooting pbx with zt/kp. 45min i completed my stuff and got the time to read thru his sms carefully. saw the above i stunned. he had never once took mrt back with me; only bus until clementi thats it. missed bus cos we chatting yes. but talking train with me? never ever. but he took with Mic. wth?!!? i couldnt help myself. i smsed back and repeated wad he said. then commented he had never took train with me. as usual, he reached home no more sms. its either tmr morning he will reply me, or leave it that way.

i again spoilt it. started off as a mind game. end up liking that person. to the extent showing jealousy. dots. thats wad he dun really like in a r/s too. aiya dunno la. die liao le nor. confirm i got quite a bit of feeling for him. cos he appeared in my dream last night somemore nor. and i dreamt he confessed that his feelings for me and we ended together. people often say dreams are opposite of reality. sian liao. can only wait and watch how things will turn out. God bless!

waiving already?

2008-08-02T00:20:00.002+08:00

your stand on against of relationships doesn't really seem that strong to me anymore. you have been bringing up this kind of topics pretty frequent recently. of cos, could be cos you wanna hint that you ain't interested in r/s. but you keep emphasizing that your groups and you share the same mindset. and they always wanted a r/s. the way you phrased sounded as if you are thinking the same thing too.

and my rebuke whenever you bring up this topic is the same. 5 years many things had changed. you had grown up and your character and environment is different. nowadays r/s is more of communication, trust and commitment. gotta really understand whats the other's goals and dreams. does not need to share the same vision but have to be able to 体谅 the other party and so on. and of cos gotta see what you want out of the r/s. if the motive is just for playing purposes or just have a gf cos ppl ask you to, this kind of r/s surely will not last. and the ending will be you get disappointed nia.

when i said the above, he will repeat his previous stand but it sounds much weaker. he is spending more time listening to my reasoning now lol. should we disagree, we will both be speaking at the same time. used to be i stopped and let him say finish first. now its different. we will continue with the two voices until one backs down. and i'm proud to say its him who stopped. whahaha!

oh yah added in another thing. its pretty obvious we leave office together as we both pack at the same time. and i always purposely wanna he go first but he seems to share the same mentality like me. so the timing ended up to be about the same. faint. and as he showed me which way he walked to bus stop, before we leave office, he would tell me to meet at the back yard. hahax. and today he as usual, he had arranged to meet with his frenz. we took bus to clementi. his bus came 4 times but he had not boarded it. continue chatting with me and the reason given for not boarding the bus is cos he wanna wait for double decker. lol. ended up we talked at the bus stop for an hour. pretty exaggerating xia. then things have changed to he auto smsed me when we parted. and the last sms is always him to me. no more every sms he sent me i reply. haha!

getting closer to something..? we have do away with the formalities already too. lol. lalalala~

prey & predator game

2008-07-31T23:23:00.002+08:00

things are getting interesting and more challenging by the day. both of us are different in many ways but one common trademark would be that we do not back off and like to play games. why do i say so huh? well lets see. just on Monday thats the surprise call from him out of the blue asking where i am when its pretty obvious we got off at different stop. the next day after work i went out with sherry and jay so did not leave office today. we smsed though once he knocked off til he reaches home.

then yesterday, i stayed back late specially cos i wanna take bus with him. we had went out with jo & her bf, aaron & her gf, j & 2 others for dinner and drinking session instead. unplanned outing. we were seated together as usual but no words were exchange between us. jo & j tried to get me talking but failed numerous occasions. i ended up drinking more than i chatted. my 酒量 is better this time around though. no vomit or wad. cos i control the amount i drunk at a time. anyway that aint the point. the crowd dispersed about 1030pm and robert drove us back. he is the first to drop while im the last to reach home since i stayed closer to robert. no smses were sent too yesterday night; i had not told him im home. neither did he smsed ask me if i had reached home. so the night just passed this way.

we met on the morning bus, standing back to back. he kinda lean against me gently a few seconds (not cos there's people squeezing as i had taken a peek lol). he exited the bus before me but had not waited for me to walk in together unlike the previous time. not that i really care. so headed back in to office and started busying with work. he suddenly jabbered and asked me wad time had i reached home safely the night before. smiled inside my heart when i saw that. replied him and just find some topic to start on but he mia on me as he is busy. oh well. anyway, i jioed him to acc me buy bday presents for kino & wei de and he agreed readily. ended up both of us work til 730pm so i suggested dinner instead. he is fine with it too lol. so yep. dinner and chatted an hour and went back separately.

wanted to sms him once im on mrt but decided against it. after all i had initiated many smses already. so wanna wait and see whether he would start it anot. hey, he did. abt 10min later asked me if im already on the way back. told me not to hang around and sounded concern. or perhaps its just a way to find topic to start the sms string. neverthlessly, smsed quite a bit. brought up the courage to ask whether he feels im lying that friday about huixian. he told me he believes me totally that i was being put aeroplane. not sure if he means it from the bottom of his heart but that sounds cool. then for the first time, he continues the sms session even though he had reached home! lol. i commented on that too and he just laughed it off. oh and he had tooked 30min to reply one sms. auto explain its cos he is on a phone call with an old fren. sweet ah? whahaha!

likes this game a lot. its seem like playing prey & the predator with both of us switching the roles at diff times. each of us are hooked in a way which the other will never admit. gonna play it bit by bit and slowly. who knows what may happen in the future? =D nights dear kenny! we shall meet in dreamland.

surprise call from kenNy

2008-07-28T22:01:00.002+08:00

im back to blog again. this will be a fast entry though. just wanna jot down one little thing. it seems like we have made to each other an unspoken agreement that we should always leave work together and take bus. why this comment? cos seriously lei. ever since that day when we first really communicate, almost everyday we also had been taking together. if one has to go first, he will usually sms or msned the other to let her know. or, before knocking off work, will ask her if she is going off yet. and if one is in a meeting (could be until 630pm or 7pm), usually when she comes out, he is still around. and when sees she is packing up, he will do the same. that kind of things. perhaps its cos he knows i always left office alone as not much people takes 183. perhaps cos we both stay north and the places where we board buses are similar. or perhaps its just coincidence. also not sure lei. just an amazing thing i feel.

anyway thats aint wad i wanna blog about. today is a busy day handling one of my PBX cust whose ISDN line died then turned into server. faint. even when i'm out of office, on the way to clementi im also still on the fone with cust. so thats the reason why i had not stand with him inside bus. but jay & zhangtao did and talked to him all the way. as usual, i alighted at the turn into commonwealth. normally if we are together, he will be with me. but he was chatting with the others so he had not. kinda disappointed as didnt get to talk to him much today. almost nil eye contact as too busy.

guess wad? once he dropped at interchange he actually CALLS me! omg! first time xia. and he asked me where i am. so i told him i boarded bus liao. and he actually sounded disappointed. so i just asked he going where all that. so he told me going back home to drop stuff before meeting his friends. in other words, he will be taking 154 which is different from me. so even if i had not boarded 165 back home, also sama mah. dunno why he sounded that way. then he just said "okay, never mind. i'll see you tmr ... (pause a second) right?" then i replied yes of cos. haha then we hung up. its pretty obvious i seem to have a crush on him but hey, i had kept my distance liao since that Friday. the above all he initated one wor. could be im reading too much into it. lol. doesnt matter. its fun. something interesting may roll out as time goes by. who knows? ;D

weekly update

2008-07-27T19:00:00.000+08:00

my blogging frequency seems to have increase recently. or should i say, ever since Kenny came in to our company lol. well, at least its updating part of my daily life mah. hahaha.

shall continue about him then =x last entry i mentioned that quite regret that i had went out with him cos let him know more about me which may have given him bad impression. but hey, guess what? though he had not messaged me over the weekend, but on Monday when we are back in office, he did auto jabbered me and commented that i look quite shagged. so he does observes me wor. or rather, he do tries to initiate a conversation with me as compared to previous weeks. bought 酸酶 from Auntie and offered it to him. at first he rejected it but after that he auto come and asked from me. and he just took it to his table without asking me xia. haha cos surprised. then there's times whereby i had meetings til after 6pm. when i come out, he is still around xia. and we ended leaving together. or else if he leaves office without me, he will sms me to let me know and asks me not to leave office too late. heex. not bad mah =D

but ah.. after the long talk with him last Friday, it makes me think a lot. kinda going back to those days where i always read too much into people's word. and is becoming pretty emo this week. cried at least one time from monday to thursday each day. faint. first two days is cos pressurized about the ghost image which i deleted without backing up. then another day is angry til cry. someone any old how bypass escalation procedures and complains up to AM. i was then being reprimanded. i already told the AM thats an issue for that cust but had not briefed her about it only. the backstabber even dared to argue back with invalid points. damnit. i was never close to her but after this incident, she only makes me hate her more.

another day cried was due to too many unfinished processes which i wanna change. plans are done and briefed the relevant people liao. just yet to type out a formal email on it. so pearlyn come asked me why Fixics had not done this and that. or if they cropped up also i gotta handle. then she also seems to wanna draw a line between TS/SI. pushing too much stuffs to us. and its very obvious that i am the only one overlooking the emails to si mailing list. we were so majim last time. now things seem to have changed after she goes NOC. of cos i understand thats new rules and everything but.. just cant really accept it.

current me is super sensitive :S how how how? my reliance on kokpin is too high liao. im falling short of my own standard also. and i dun like to bring matters up unless i cant take it anymore. after all, everyone has their own issues to handle. cant keep bombing them. but i know im not alone. this is another thing i gotta change. and of cos, my people relationship needs to improve. too defensive once people shoot at me. need to maintain a good image in front of kenny you know. whahaha!

knowing more about you & your past

2008-07-19T01:47:00.000+08:00

was supposed to meet huixian darlingg today after work @ toa payoh one. but ah.. dunno what happen her boss got last minute hold a long long meeting which lasts til after midnight goodness knows what time. thought she is working as hairstylist but apparently not so or else this wouldn't have happen.

but anyway, had took bus with kenny to tpy as he stayed there. wanted to walk around alone and just do some thinking actually but he accompanied me all the way til close to 12 midnight. had kinda tried to chase him to go back first but he wouldn't go. faint. well, its an opportunity for us to get to know each other better i guess. he had done most of the talking today.

at his age, he have achieved quite a bit to his name already. back in secondary school, he is NCC's school commander and was in the commission parade one out of four who is holding a sword. these are the ones chosen by the higher up levels and being recognized and appreciated by all. no matter who sees him, with or without uniform, will have to address him as "Sir".cnext up in poly, he is the one guy in 10 years to have turned into the honour treasurer for NYP's embassy (not sure of its the right word). he would had became vice or president should he had entered the CCA in year 1. and for NS wise, after BMT he headed to OCS. platoon wing commander or wing sergeant major or something like that. 2nd highest rank for platoon section. he went into Air Force there after.

all his above achievements is due to being single and available to intake more learning experience from his seniors in camp. thus he is able to rise up so high. his working experience at Dempsey also allows him to know the higher society people and hear about their stories and such. he has got pretty good offers out there if he wanna take it up. and he is willing to learn. a left-handed. he mention his priorities are definitely work and school. asked about when will he consider a relationship. he said probably late-20s.

during the waiting time, he commented that i seem to be wasting time waiting for a fren who will never appear. so i said that sometimes its good to stop and take a look at one's surrounding. you will definitely be able to learn something or recall some stuff. position yourself in his/her shoes and think. had told him about my interest in quotes, debates and such. then asked what type of person i am from what he learnt abt me past week. pretty disappointed to hear that he just due to the last hour what i had said, he had concluded me as someone who is into psychology and philosophy. he (dunno jokingly or what) said that i should exist in the olden days and be a scholar or poet.

besides the above, i had also mentioned that he can take it as cos i wanna him to acc me thus im willing to wait. but of cos, he bypassed that statement. so i asked him back why did he acc me though he feels im wasting my time. his response was just cos he feels i am wasting my time and didnt expect me to wait til so late. but i had already tried to chase him go back home every hourly yet he chosen not to. so anyway he left at close to 12mn which is his last bus. after that he had not smsed me. not even when i told him i reached home. lol.

i do also have a feeling that he could be thinking im using that as an excuse to have some time with him. just he never expose nor say it nia. gotta admit im more or less affected by today's turnout. by hey, lucky i had already planned earlier this week that i'll be the proactive one for a week or two. there after lessen everything else and watch what's the outcome. well, yet to be a week since we only started hanging out together WEF 15th Jul. but hahax. still its alright. interested to know what will happen next. usually if at night he dun reply to me, the next morning he will. so if no movements over the weekend, Monday after work and by end of the week, i should have an answer.

dinner date

2008-07-15T21:56:00.002+08:00

this entry gonna be about him again. which him ah? kenny, the newcomer i had mentioned in previous two entries. lol. lets see... thats improvement. true over the weekend he had not approved me in friendster. but yesterday early morning he added me before going to work. and had msned me to kinda like let me know he had. then the guys were wanting to arrange a soccer session today and had gotten me to invite him. so i did. he agreed readily to come as audience as he does not play soccer. was quite surprised as he seems pretty happening person with events after day after work. ended up the soccer was cancelled today as too late notice. so i just mentioned that if he wants, we can have dinner together. after all he surely had told his mum not to cook his share. he said yes straight. /me fly

lol. we left office together. actually was thinking whether i shd exit with him anot but i dun see anyone observing us so i did. but ah... many people witnessed outside nor. Pearlyn was on the Harbourfront. think she saw us as she has a clear view. then we met Sherry & Jay @ the 183 bus stop. faint. all of them knows i usually take 165 home rather than mrt. and kenny took 154 instead of mrt also. so Sherry asked. we both said meeting frenz. lol. the glances exchanged between Sherry & Jay then. jialat liao. on bus so squeezed. then we were standing kinda close. he is just behind me. so scare lose balance and bumped into him xia. hahax.

on the way to amk, we chatted about many stuff. work & our views or past. get to know each other better. we spent about same amount of time talking heex. he mentioned he last attached was back 5+ years ago. which means in secondary. and to him, attached for 2+ years is considered a short time for a r/s. stunned. at my that age, consider okay i thought. the reason he's single is cos he enjoyed the freedom. but i told him i think whats really matters in a r/s is trust, open communication & stuff. he didnt opposed to my opinion so ya hahax. he had asked whats my current stand. without a doubt i said work is important and if i'd a r/s, i wish the other half will understand my commitment for work wise. after all, young is an asset to me. dun wanna be tied down. he was nodding his head. hmmmm...?

anyway dinner is his treat. he 誇張 xia. ordered chicken rice. guess what? he like ordered half a chicken. i stunned there nor. he has a great appetite man. we finished all. 佩服. he sent me to bus stop around 9+. was thinking wanna sms him anot. in the end decided to. was quite worry no response xia. but he did! so crapped a bit. he said see me tmr and nights think got 4 times? whahaha! and he said he shall consider taking mrt with me. hahax. lalala~ i dunno. fun fun. sounds 花痴喔. but hahahha!! perhaps the blog entries will have more in future. shall see how. =x

new voice engineer

2008-07-12T17:36:00.002+08:00

lets continue with my previous entry. Kenny had yet to approve me in msn lei. got asked him about it. he said its cos he is out after work every day. hmm looks like he got a quite happening life xia. perhaps go dating after work? lol. haha. the teasing part become more and more already. the guys are organising a soccer session after office hours every tuesday. now lacks one more person to form 2 teams of 4. they wanna me to ask him. says that priority given to him and me. that kind of things. faint. have not ask him about it yet. dun think there's high chances he will come along with his busy schedule. plus he mention he dun play sports one. but ah.. got one weird thing. hye quite tanned xia. could be cos he just finished NS 3 months ago. he got the sunshine look really. hmmm no way to get his picture post up here as he does not have facebook nor friendster. =( oh yah, the other guy whom i mention coming in not reporting for work next week liao. cos he got a job with higher pay. lol.

anyway i wanna mention we got added a new blood to the voice team. its an Indian with Linux background. he is quite eager to learn and stuff. but problem is i dun have the time to teach til thursday. let him do restoring from image. theres some problem when he tried then straight away said its due to my document incomplete. thanks lei. super angry at him and attituded him. plus he kept asking Kokpin for him. as if he will know. after work, Sherry and Joanna got tried talked some sense to me and explained the situation. so next day things are better. i focused more on him. the guides were sufficient. and i got talked to him nicely and explained that each of us in SI has different job scope so he should come to me if there is any issue. things are better now. he is quite a fast learner. or rather, he followed closely and asked for assistance when he needed. hopefully can hang over to him faster then i can go back to learning networking!! =D

new crush!

2008-07-09T21:51:00.002+08:00

lalala!~ finally got fresh boy come into LGA. and guess what? he is just a year older than me. and he stays in toa payoh! single and available. okay this one not i ask one. its my colleagues who told me. Monday is his first day of work. im the first to speak to him as i reached office early. so show him his seat which is just behind me and helped him configure his desktop stuff & ip phone. heex. so he introduce himself to me first. kekex!

had lunch with him and the rest yesterday. faint. all pushing me to him nor. keep teasing that we are a pair for no reason. his name is Kenny. so they are saying next time i will call him 'Honey' instead of 'Kenny'. LOL! then also try to match us up ah. then i asked him a simple question which i repeated many times due to the loud voices surrounding us. then stupid Jay requested everybody around the table to keep silence as im speaking to him. lol. so paiseh can. face super red nor and dun dare see him in the eye. after lunch while walking back to office, he walked with me and initiated conversation. asked me where i stayed, schooled at and here how long. that kind of things.

hahax. okay larsh. quite a good start. he is cute too. got a dimple i think. =x had added him in msn but yet to see him online. no friendster/facebook account though so cant know about his past nor see more photos of him. nvm. i believe in future. whahaha! his msn address seems like he hasnt get over his ex or someone he likes. well.. could be an old email address. whatever. now is what happens! hahax. i sound guy-crazed right? just kidding nia. unattached for 2+ years liao. cant be blamed =x there will be another guy coming in next week too. heard he is 27 this year with car and staying in bishan. super close. but ah, dunno how he looks like. more interested in Kenny now though. doubt there will be any age guy. shall see how it goes. heex.

another thing i wanna mention is that, there's a murder crime over at one of the block in front of my house. that girl is 19 only and stayed 2 blocks away from me. she is killed one or two days ago. unsure by her bf or stranger. came to know about it from 3 friends. once they see in newspaper they smsed me and warned me. thanks June, Kino & Pearlyn. you all really do care for me and i know i've got a place in your heart. really appreciate it. you ni mei zhen hao!

My 21st Birthday

2008-07-02T19:16:00.001+08:00

29th June 2008
So tired but very happy. The LGA chalet which Sherry, Joanna & Alvin had organised is a success. The four of us had booked in earlier and started arranging the stuff. Pearlyn, Kokpin & David came in not long later and helped to move some furniture then went cycling and rollerblading. About 3pm the Filipino girls (Franciete, May & Det) came in. They assisted us to start the fire and cooked the food first. Other colleagues started to stroll in after 5.30pm. Everyone begins mixing around and helping themselves to the food. Photo taking started then.

As the night falls, David & co took out the wines and liquors. faint. The chalet is partly organised to celebrate my 21st birthday so this group started urging me to drink. First its white wine brought by Antonio. 5 minutes later I was served Vodka and there after its Barcardi. Haix. Drunk too fast. After stopping at the 3rd cup, I sat down and rest. Cake cutting for the June babies started at 8+pm. Then water bombs are aimmed at the babies. I ran away fast so escaped from it heex. Then we went into the room & sabotaged Pearlyn. I vomitted suddenly during this time. Opps. Obviously I'm slightly drunk & stomach is bloated from the gas. Couldnt help it. I then settled down at the childresn's room cos scare that someone will hong me to drink again. But lying down just make things worse. More vomitting.

Finally I agreed to go for a walk to take some fresh air. Thanks Alvin for accompanying me. Felt much better after the 40 minutes' walk. It is already 11.30pm then. Most people left. Now balance Joanna, Pearlyn, Sherry, Alvin, WP, Elaine, Anton, KP, David & Kelvin. They took out the ice cream cake for me. Sprayed a bottle of cream on a plate and hid the candle stick inside. Then gotta locate it. Tooked about 5min and face is white. David got picture of it. Shall upload when he passed to me. Some left after the cake blowing. Pearlyn, Joanna, Kelvin & me then sat down to play Big 2. The loser needs to drink. Pearlyn is sensitive to liquors so David drank on her behalf. I cant drink anymore so got the option of either eating or have Alvin drink on my behalf. Thanks Alvin again. Played mahjong with David, Kelvin & KP from 3 to 5+am. When I went toilet I suddenly realised I having rashes on my face =( Anyway, Mc's breakfast next. We left the chalet about 10+am. Alvin drove me home. I slept all the way til 7pm. lol.

30th June 2008
I am on MC today. Cos firstly due to the rashes on my face. Quite frightening to myself I feel. Then its also cos of my flu and cough which is there for 1+ week liao. Nothing much during day time. Evening @ 7pm meet up with June, Jane & Kino for K session. Sang for 5 hours. First time xia. Took many photos and talked about many stuff. Really miss those days with them. All of us are busy with work, school & boyfriends ever since we graduated from secondary school. Anyway, when the clock strikes 12am which signifies it is 1st July 2008. The waitress bought in a cake and we sang birthday song. Heex. Its the first time in the 6 years I know June & Jane, my two best friends are with me for my birthday. Thanks girls and Kino.

1st July 2008
Actual day of my birthday. On leave obviously hahax. Also another slack day of watching my taiwan variety shows. Had dinner with my beloved cousin Yingxi at Shokudo Japanese Food Bazaar located @ Raffles City Shopping Centre. Had many great japanese food. This meal treated by her brother, Alvin. (This is my cousin different from the above Alvin who is my colleague) Shopped at Marina Square there after. Bought a cardigian for myself. Simple 21st birthday.

shopping spree!

2008-06-22T22:33:00.002+08:00

16th June 2008
meet up with my beloved cousin yingxi @ bugis 8pm. was late as usual cos 6pm when wanna leave office, somehow always got issue one. thats how it is now that im handling zipbox. another contributing factor is due to i got DID. those cust that knows my DID now bombed my phone regardless of what problem. faintz. changed my signature to put main line number liao. only zipbox cust i will indicate my own.

anyway, lets move away from work. shopping with yingxi is always great. i will definitely be able to find my items and she will give valuable opinions. so on this day, i bought a (hand)bag which can contains my laptop plus files and adapter. reason being now going to cust's site liao le. its not a good idea to take just the laptop bag nia. attempted that for Link; cannot make it. heavy like dunno wad. and those zipbox cust's place usually at ulu location. leave there either has to call cab or walk a long way out to find one. so a bag will be more suitable. seems more office-ish if you get my meaning.

bought new earpiece which is coilable. i tested at the stall. its working fine. next day close to 21 hours after i bought it, one side not hearable. now also sama has to adjust to get the other end okay. but this adjustment can take minutes man compared to my old de. zzz. but whats good about it is that its those plug into ear type.. cannot listen to outside world.. so its better than nothing bah. found a flat, opened toe shoe or whatever you call that. its those soft material not painful despite 8 hours of continuous walking. cool. wear to work, cust's place or even out with frenz also no issue. kekex. thats another thing that i bought which i cant recall offhand. thats weird. had i buy something which i did not start using til now??? oh... bra and belt! hahax. total spent is $105. okay la not bad. essential items =D

22th June 2008
GSS coming to an end next week. so jio my colleagues Joanna, Pearlyn & Sherry out for shopping spree! okay i'm the only one staying in north area out of the 4 of us. supposed to meet at 2pm. but i turned out to be the latest; 240pm then reach. lol. used to say my frenz. now i understand why; cos always feel the rest sure not on time and i'm leaving so close to meeting place.. can de la. will not be late one. end up so untrue! but going to further places jiu sure at most 10min late nia.

enough of that. lets move on to what we had bought. farewell/birthday presents for Yubun, Zaidi & Joni. then my prezzie is next. they asked me what i wanted. actually 21st birthday i prefer individual unknown prezzie lei.. but of cos i understand our company is share one la so... nvm bah. what to do. chosen OSIM U-Pampie (massage device) and face therapy mask. those who knows me well shd always hear me complaining here or there aching frequently. and i'm so lazy to go massage sessions liao even though mine is located at AMK central nia. thus, the U-Pampie will be the best solution. and face mask is to relax my face of cos. have been more and more concern about my face liao due to the pimples, blackheads and oily. got use cleanser, face scrub & toner liao nor. still sama. then my hair i decided to keep long so cant cut anymore. not even fringe cos cutting fringe is equipvalent to another change of hairstyle. cant quit that habit you see.. faint right?

went to wisma next stop. the 3 girls focused on finding heels and slippers first as thats something which Sherry wanted too (she is leaving at 5pm). unable to find any though. so go on to Isetan. initally is go there cos Pearlyn has yet to use her last year's bday $100 voucher which expired end of Jun. but ah.. as she wanted watch and she spotted @ Isetan, so we ended up using it instead. dkny and cK watches are pretty man! too bad i dun really wear watch as i too easily sweat :( next agenda is clothes. each of us bought one piece @ Hypnosis and i got another additional one at another store. need more smart casual wear for office and especially since im meeting custs liao. total spent think $130? inclusive of dinner @ Xinwang HK cafe and cos i join as member. heex.

coming up; my 21st birthday on 1st July 2008
28th and 29th Jun will be with my colleagues. we are having company event @ east coast pasir ris. the planners are those im pretty gum with at office. no more being outcast like back in pri/sec sch + poly. and i'm also the youngest you know so naturally will be doted by some. heex. all Jun babies and me will be sabotaged then i guess. plus forfeit all that. but hey nvm. at least its real here. these aint the pretentious people. these are people i can look for when im down and such. looking forward to it!

30th Jun after work will be meeting up with my best girlfriends; Jane and June along with Kino. don't wanna Alex to come along for 2 simple reasons; i dunno him well & Jane will stick to bf type. if he comes, it will be equal to 2 couples and i will seem so extra. in my opinion la.. hope June will be able to let Jane understand.. cos if i tell Jane that.. think she will feel super upset..

my frenz aint much. and i attended numerous parties whereby people are left are cos they are frenz from your different stage of your life. then those that u invited pairs or alone usually feel super awkward and wanna leave earlier. don't wanna that to happen to me. so yea. colleagues and best frenz are settled. now balance Shawnie, staCy and yingxi. Shawnie is in camp de and her birthday is on 3rd July.. see how bah. she super busy one... staCy.. thinking can put her and my cousin together on my birthday itself. but plans... havent thought of any yet. both of you got read my blog one i know. think think lei.. separate also can la.. but gotta have an idea what to do xia.. oh yah.. still got edwin whom i call winnie. he planning something but ah.. haven tell me anything so yea. he owe me many stuff.. so he sure easier to plan lol. just date/time all not confirm. perhaps delayed til the 1st weekend of July? i dun mind actually.

i want presents! been long time since i have one.. also no birthday cake for some time lerr... then hor.. now i pretty into checkered stuff.. so if u see clothes ah, wallet, small bag of such style... you know what to do ;)

duper shit week for 1st ½ of 2008 and closing end of age 20

2008-05-31T01:49:00.002+08:00

29th May 2008

pabx. why am i touching it? why did i agree to it? well its definitely cos i myself wanna pick up new stuff. since kokpin and david does not have the time to teach me. eh, scratch that. david went up to NOC. so balance kokpin who is going onsite almost everyday. there's even times whereby just in a day, he had attended to 3 or 4 visit to customer's place. liulin? forget about him. he is getting more attitude; even towards custs and was being complaint against increasingly in the past few weeks. zhangtao is of course busy handling those big custs like YLP, HPL and Armstrong. thus, in the SI team of 4, im naturally the best candidate. my mentality was pretty positive cos i felt im doing too much of paperwork and does not seem to be much of a help.

well, apparently i seem to be creating more issues instead. as per my entry the day before. theres many occurence whereby some users are not registered inside pabx. which i figured out its the sip reload cmd's fault. had an discussion with waiphang who suspected that it is due to the users' profile not being updated properly. i know the cause of that. its Fixics while configuring the users, ext and so on at the portal had not waited for the successful notice before clicking on next option. i didnt pointed that out though cos im partly at fault; agreed to Fixics' suggestion as they had not completed the pre-config ahead of time. only done at cust's place. haix. will need to provide these instructions to them.

30th May 2008

headed down to Link only at 1130 hours. didnt do any sip reload this time around. displaying of old office number is verified done by Singtel. they had told cust earlier that its pabx server who does it =.= neverthlessly, thats one requirement met. next come checking through Fixics' work. completed within half hour. then tested calling in and out. realise that if you call DID number, the call cant get through. thanks lei JOHNY. didnt teach me this part. lucky for Antonio. resolved in 10 minutes. set up all the phones and tried the call flow; no issues. yea.. at first nia.

i forget one important requirement.. cust does not want outsiders to see the DID number. morning i still reminded kokpin they all. yet the thought never came to mind onsite >.<>

31st May 2008

this week is super unlucky week to me. pabx so much issues over the past 3 weeks. big responsibility goes to me as im the one who should have done all preconfigurations by myself and be more proactive. and not be so blur and sotong to bring down a faulty power adapter and one LAN cable. table has so many. yet i chosen the faulty ones out of more than 5?

as if this isn't enough, i still misplaced two taxi e-vouchers and ended up paying the cab fare myself. gotta claim instead which is processed super slowly. if i know i will need to claim, then i will definitely have kept my receipts. if i did, it will total up to min. $70 nor. argh. then reached home. the louya d-link router died on me. cant connect wireless. crapped one. rebooted modem and router gazilions' time. off them for long time still cant make it. end up using LAN cable.

then just so nice when i reached home a while, my dad come tell me our tv spoilt. need to move it out and placed the new one. i bathed for half hour and scrubbed cleanly and smell so fresh liao. nvm. still help him. then decided to sweep and mop my room. even the broom & mop bullied me. one the handle broke while the other kept on got the feather came out. dunno la. giving up. just wanna take a long break. get out of SG. there's still another 2 pabx deployments in mid and end of Jun nor. to think im born on 1st July. crossing my fingers. its my 21st birthday. if started badly again.... i dunno wad to say.

PBX Experience

2008-05-29T05:14:00.003+08:00

22nd May 2008
Johny finally started his training on configuring a PBX server with a real-time environment. from morning, i put my 100% concentration into his words and asked questions when necessary. started from restoring from image, connecting to FTP server to upload some files and then comes to touching the PBX server; changing the server IP address, doing the dial plan, recording voice prompt. notes jotted down, he looked at my configurations before i write and save it. but, frankly speaking, i felt he just scanned through and did not check all properly.
sharp at 6pm, he left office without a word. super worried. 23rd will be his LAST day. there after he will leave LGA. no where to seek solutions except Antonio & Wai Phiang. but that isn't part of their job scope. haix. informed Zhangtao and he spoke to Johny the next day.

23rd May 2008
as usual, Johny only came strolling into office at 0930 hours when our office hours is 0830 hours. wasted an hour precious time. never mind suan. we moved all the things up to data centre and tested with the ISDN E1 line. HE changed the mainline number to our office ISDN number. HE made amendments to the dial plan. HE had supposedly checked through what i did before i save and write to disk. but when the server is in live mode, called the number but cant get through. no dialtone at all. auto hang up after 2 seconds. HE pointed the finger at me straight. "FAITH! what did you do? what changes u make? see? now not working! how? AIYO!" damn crap can. never i bear with it. told him i really did nothing; he can compare it against the original file from the image on FTP server. so he did it. he looked at it for an half an hour; unable to figure out. just left for lunch. FREAK IT. i left half a day only. and he surely leave on the dot nor. no choice, go back to Zhangtao and complained about his attitude.
he is back from lunch earlier than me. by right he shd have gone up and figure out what went wrong or at least reconfigure the dial plan himself. but he didn't. he waited for me and we went up together. again stared at the screen and make comparisons. after another hour he finally found the mistake and told me, "don't worry. its not your fault. you didnt do anything". i see him amended a line inside dial plan; the syntax is wrong for only one single line. i looked at the original file from FTP server. IT DOES NOT HAVE THE SYNTAX too. ahhhh! tested everything then. found out the server time is wrong; required internet to update it from web. so yea. considered completed.
happy but... deployment comes next week. who knows what will happen... plus i picked up all the basic configurations in 2 days. its not gonna be easy for me to pull out from PBX thing in future. T_T

28th May 2008
today is actual set up of the aboved server at customer's site. went down with Michael/Kok Pin at 1430 hours cos wanna make sure all is working fine & wanna see the results myself. Michael had not preconfigured those stuff i requested earlier. faintz. took 2.5 hours. but hey never mind. its alright. at least cust does see us working on it. all preconfig settled at about 1730 hours. comes plugging in the IP phones and test. some works but others don't. (theres total 37 phones) keep having an username/auth name failed error as the phone isn't registered inside the server.
checked phone config manually; no issue. restore to factory settings get the profile & ext nbr but no green light. when into web interface; changed SIP pwd, cannot. recreate user, ext & device. cannot. reboot server; originally some can become cannot and vice versa. reboot server many times. finally the reboot at 2130 hours seem to work; 36 users are registered. missing only one user. troubleshoot til 2200 hours but to no avail. packed up for the day and headed for dinner. will be back to cust's site again tmr.

29th May 2008 (0439 hours is the time this whole entry is written)
have been tossing and turning ever since 0100 hours. couldn't sleep. very worried. what if later go cust's site, turn on server, become 0 users registered? haix. my notes are all messed up in office. made up my mind shall target to reach office by 8am to arrange everything. and im gonna save all PBX info in a thumbdrive which belongs to me. will not borrow around anymore. must bring MBB/thumbdrive around liao. if needed, all preconfigurations i dont mind doing it.God, please bless me and look over me. thanks!

critical learning period

2008-05-11T22:07:00.001+08:00

a month ago, i was finally being briefed on my job scope and the direction which im going to take. its actually learning installation/troubleshooting for network along with learning the administrative rights for web panel. the network part as mentioned previously, has already started early this year. attended CCNA course but had not taken exam due to the learning centre denying certain things. regardless, i wish to take the exam by end of this year. so if the issue cannot be resolved, at most forked out my own money nor. then will have the motivation to learn and put in my best. cos at this moment of time, frankly speaking a lot of stuff is unclear liao lol. anyway, web wise David also taught me before he went for reservice. thats quite clear cut. dun think it will contribute to my resume since different provider has different ways of doing the administrations but hey, at least i understand the possibilities of making it work. and of cos, more about our system.

then suddenly two weeks ago it was announced that i will learn the setup for pbx system. faintz. reason being our pbx engineer is leaving in one month's time. okay theres actually two thoughts that come to mind when i was informed of the above. first will be, hey, a chance to learn something new which i never touch before. if learn well, will have different paths to head in the future should i decide to leave my current job. but at the same time, cant help but feel a tad being used as a last resort. cos my opportunies only come when a colleague is leaving. previously Pearl left so i learnt provisioning. then Soin left. i took over project coordination. now Johny left i will be taking up pbx.

the time given for me to learn each of the skills is really very limited. thats fear that i will not be able to pick up in time and then end up creating more problems you know.. theres 3 big pbx projects coming up in the month to come. Johny isnt really the type thats willing to teach. keep asking me to figure it out by myself. as time is very tight (i have 7 working days left to go), i went to tell Zhang Tao nor. he will talk to Johny about it. thats a lot to learn. have searched online for some documentations. dunno it will help anot. but yah. there will be real-time lab exercise. will be setting the three projects at office for testing. first deployment will be in 2 weeks. God bless me!

五月天回到地球演唱会

2008-04-27T13:23:00.001+08:00

四月二十六日二oo八，五月天来到新加坡开演唱会了！是回到地球演唱会而新加坡是第一站我好开心！这次我有去看heex。我七点半就到indoor stadium了。好紧张啊！从没参加过演唱会lei。not really now that come to think of it. had went to halem's concert back in secondary school's day.但，那不是重点。the concert starts at 820pm. its really 感动hearing them sing LIVE. i'm sitting at A34
block 6th row. they got run in front of my row wor. get to see them so close and touch them too. my fave 怪兽 keep running at the side of the concert hall. sob sob. when he does runs my side, he got turned and looked at us. but didnt manage to 对到眼。sadden :( its still very enjoyable. next target concert is S.H.E, 飞论海 & 棒棒堂！hope they will come soon!

first time onsite cust's place

2008-04-22T17:34:00.002+08:00

today is my first visit to cust's place to set up a network connection. shall start at morning first. actually wanna spray my hair to black but its raining heavily when i woke up. so decided not to spray. brought it to work instead and can spray before going off to onsite if time permits. so as usual, traveled to clementi all that. reached workplace only @ 915am due to bus packed and cannot squeeze in. plus jam. nowadays i have been only leaving house at 715am but ah.. always reached office only at 9am.. and i realise i'm sometimes in later then my manager. how can right? so im gonna adjust my departure time back to 7am from tmr onwards. go back to my good record, always reaching before 830am, appraisal coming... hope it will helps xD

anyway... back to my first experience. okay. as usual, preconfigured the router first. i'd done the basic config for static line. tested working fine. then Kokpin taught me how to do tunneling and explained many things to me. but ah.. i dun seem to absorb that well.. haix.. we took an hour and a half to complete the configurations. T_T had a quick makan then off to cust's place. walked a big round to the office; cos the site installation and general office is at diff building. dots. cust is friendly. so is their external SI. done the set up. tested working fine too.

then the SI took a peek at my router config when i went washroom. dammit. he aint supposed to see it. cos to cust, its supposed to be a point-to-point link but we used two lines connect via tunneling instead. so from the config, he can see it. shit man. so i called back tell Joanna nor. obviously she is not happy with it cos this aint supposed to happen. external SI somemore. haiz. super sad over this point nor. cust may not have the 100% trust in us anymore due to my neglience. dunno hows she gonna settle it with cust should the SI tell tales... apart from that.. i kinda created problem for KP too.. cust has a reqmt to block access to HQ for a range of users. didnt tell KP clearly. he blocked all access then has to undo and redo. faint. all cos of me.

taking into hand the apart, i feel this is a very 失败 onsite for me. was happy for only few minutes; thats when i set it up and tested working fine. also managed to config the basic by myself. the rest.. esp the incident letting cust see things they aint... really isnt supposed to happen. a big price to pay to learn this lesson.. dunno how to face Joanna.. sigh.. sorry! i didnt mean it! there will NOT be a next time! if there is still next visit.. haix...

hair colour changes!

2008-04-18T23:01:00.005+08:00

i dyed my hair again. wanna try purple colour one. but unfortunately my hair cant seems to absorb it. goodness know why. as some may know, my hair was red, orange and pink before. never had such issue til this time around. the first time i tried, was two weeks ago on 7th Apr. the hair initially was blond. then turned light purple and ash grey as time goes by. the colour see liao super saddening to me. especially since i went out with frenz shopping saw like two person with really purple hair? i straight started complaining to my colleagues. then stupid David keep tease me somemore. faint. anyway, went back to the shop to dye again today. wanna try the purple again one. but Auntie advised me not to as she feels my hair cant take the colour in. so instead, tried mixing purple-pink with violet. the colour came out as purple-red. omg. so bright. think gonna get killed on Monday xia. Auntie says when washed, should drop to purple.. crossing my fingers. anyway, this is how my hair is now!

eventful thursday

2008-04-06T22:28:00.002+08:00

wanna tracked back to the thursday that just passed. felt its quite an eventful day. reason being i was given a chance to go a Fortigate training session by a Fortigate trainer xia. i didnt know until that morning itself when Zhang Tao told me. was quite surprising when i heard it. afterall, not much arrangements was made for me the three months that im in Apps team. CCNA is i started asking one. anyway, that exam thingy still not settled. faintz. continue to the Fortigate training. learnt from the basic; how to config internal, wan. then move on to VPN and HA. even have notes! really learnt quite a bit. good start! heex! the session ends around 530pm. but its pouring. waited for 45min for a cab. called cant get through. T_T

then when im close to home, a call came in from Joanna to have me join in the farewell dinner for Kin Foo. was undecisive if i should go. but in the end, i did. had sushi tei and then its over at indochine. total thats 7 of us; Joanna & her bf, Jay, Kin Foo, Joling, Siao Wei & me. the live band is great; love them lots. but hor, they refused to sing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing". guess they scare they couldn't sing it well. hahax. anyway, its at Wisma one of the shops in front. thats always people who stop and watch the performance. so its not i bragging. kekex. here are some of the pics we taken. enjoy~

today gotta rest early. planned to go work earlier tmr. cos my ONS project not completed. haven finished doing the excel sheets and summary to upload. i only started doing on Friday but had managed to done up only half the custs list. the points deduction not all performed yet. neither did i do up my project/pbx meeting reports. argh! wanna do the ONS at home initially. tried pinging to the website and seems okay. thought it will be accessible at home. but... disabled external access. faintz. will wake up @ 6am tomorrow. should be able to reach workplace at 8am. earlier a bit nia but hope it will help.. God bless!

my thoughts

2008-03-30T22:50:00.000+08:00

faintz. this blog have been outdated for months again. i wanna blogged quite a few times. on the way to work or back home, i'm always thinking about some stuffs and wanna blogged it down. but times again & again, laziness stops me from logging in here to blog. i have the mentality that, "so what i'd blogged? who actually reads it? looking back at my contents, will it be something i'm proud of?" my answer is no, thus the little number of blog entries despite starting this blog since 2004. btw, i had archived the entries from 2004 to aug 2007 thus it aint displayed here. okay, shall stop crapping about this. as if anyone will care? opps. i sound kinda pessimitic. hahax.

i had ended the CCNA course finally. but guess what? it doesnt include the exam. faintz. informed kelvin about it, shall wait for his decision. aim to take it by end of apr. had converted files & store inside my hp for studying purposes when im outside. didnt allocate time at home to study yet though hahax. bo pian larsh. work whole day tiring and wanna rest when i'm at home. but once the exam date is confirmed, situation should change accordingly. hmmm.. had attended Project Management Professional course briefing previously with kelvin & co. seems like i may be shortlisted to go for it. really hope so. my focus will be on certifications now. degrees & masters plans will be holded back as im working already.

work.. im already at LGA for 13 months. even though i have switched department, im not given a letter to state that. neither do i have a title nor pay increase. sometimes i really feel im quite useless. looking at TS; everybody's technical knowledge seems to be getting better. people only seek help from me as a last resort. during outage, theres nothing much i can do except help answer calls. i hardly performed any troubleshooting. whats my job then? its basically still coordinating Fixics' job & doing meeting reports. then if got projects or what, they will brief me a little then i'll help to chase for hardware and such. technical stuff seems to be getting further away from me. oh yah, can consider i got a project on hand la. ONS process changes which is going to be completed in 2 days.

still, this isnt what i want nor what i expected when im told im switched over. okay i understand administrative job is needed for my team. but theres time i feel im redundant. wheres improvement? where's the learning portion? mostly stagnant man. i do seek the initiative to ask questions & learn but its really very little. haix. dunno lei. oh well, one good part is that im kinda consider taking a high pay for admin work. shall take more steps and see how it goes... God please look over me! i really hope to have more opportunies to improve..

first lesson for CCNA

2008-02-23T22:58:00.000+08:00

my company sends four of us to take CCNA course at iEnabler. i starting to regret a bit for recommending it to Kelvin. the trainer does not seems to be able to explain the basics. eg like wads a switch? how to subnet? he don't teach us how to calculate at all. just said out the steps. and he sounds so unsure during the explaination. faint xia. then after that he tried to input some practical. but he cant give a proper demostrations. keep making mistakes. end up he took half hour to solve the problem or just skip it. then later on we, as the students, provide him the answer. can see its not purposely he wants us to solve it but its he really cannot make it. well, he just keeps saying theory not important and needs the cisco router. we share see next week how then. hopefully it will be better or else it will be self study for the exam lerr T_T

weekly update

2008-02-15T11:00:00.000+08:00

during the first few days of cny i had been sleeping only about 5 hours each day.then work starts this week and now im stuck in a sleepy mood. unable to focus during work. have the tendancy to blank out T_T even a simple briefing with AM took me almost a day to get the presentation slides ready. and i got so panicked over it and stumbling over my own words. faint. this weekend must sleep to the fullest xia. arbo you see me next week take MC or leave liao. lol.

i had watched 老师家老大 and CJ7 with staCy. 阿龙 movie is super hilarious. was laughing more than half the time. theres a lot of lame / yellow jokes haha. the loansharks wanna reform to be nicer in the way they chased after debtors. giving discounts, eg interest rate from 40% dropped to 10%, to encourage others to borrow money from them. lol. these stuff most probably will not happen in real life but movie wad. can make it larsh hahax. but for CJ7, i gave it a thumbs down. the storyline is pretty bad. maybe cos the movie is meant for kids thus the plain tale. the only thing i like is the furry character which is very cute. he quite 伟大; scarifice himself for Stephen Chow. yea. thats my review of the two shows kekeke.

valentine's day was yesterday. after work went to Vivo eat at 黑涩会 with Pearlyn, David, Ewei and Kokpin. the menu is revamped due to CNY and vday. the food aint really that nice. the service not prompt also. they serve the first dish of vegetables quite fast but the plain rice came only about 15mins there after. dish cold liao nor. the speciality duck dish is yichiban though. love the skins heex. after dinner the guys went for coffee while the girls went shopping. we went Series, GG5 and G2000. bought a top from G2000. heex.

thats all for my weekly update. lol.

新年快乐

2008-02-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

初一
wake up at 9am today. bath and change then woke my dad up. off to my nanny's house to bai nian and meet my sis. chatted with my nanny a while then as usual, next stop is my ah ma's house. this year we are the first to reach surprising. lunch is order from zhi chai. food ain't nice but suan lerr larsh. mixed around with my aunts and uncles til 2+. then all start to part lerr. took a lift from my er gu to bedok.

then off to tanah merah ferry terminal. changed my boarding pass. as its the first time i travelled alone, was pretty nervous and scare that i may end up going on the wrong ferry and all that. but hey, thank God. all went fine. arrived at bintan about 630pm. the terminal there isnt like tanjong pinang so messed up and many people. can see clearly where to take the shuttle bus to my hotel (nirwana gardens).

shawn and her family waited for me at lobby. never hesitated. called cab and went to pasar oleh oleh. had a body scrub while shawn did a foot massage. then dinner at helo helo restaurant. the food is nice and theres people playing guitar and drums. they can sing chinese, dialect, english and indo songs. cool! esp the drummer who doesnt smile. black face all the way whereas the lead singer is the type who is very sentimental. next stop is the pub. shawn and her dad played pool. kinda envious of their close relationship. hahax. watched tv til 1+am then koonx liao.

初二
woke up at sg time 9+am. off to have buffet breakfast. the food is great. ate quite full. rested a lil while. then went to the poolside. shawn's frenz there quite early. managed to catch a seat besides them. into the water for 2+ hours. omg. for the first time im sunburnt til its painful. red like lobster *faint* bathed and played air rifle. as not good at aimming, gave up after a few shots. shawn is duper good at it. even though the wind is strong, she still managed to shot like 5 cans like? cool!

its dune buggy next; driving the action terrain vechicle. wanna try to drive actually. but im the type who knows nuts about driving. not even daytona. so i gave up the try so shawn became the driver. thats mud to avoid and the rocky path. super hard to drive. we got stuck twice but the guide helped us drove out of it. spent an hour and a half there. at the end of it, we all kena mud so went back to hotel to bath.

dinner at helo helo again. the japan tourists is super loud and rude. think they are on par with koreans xia. lol. the jap kids are handsome though. got one looks like bruce lee. voice is quite deep but he seems to be just 15? anyway, around sg 12mn, we went to a beach party. its ladies night. but wad we saw is exotic dancers. mostly girls. sians. only saw two cute guys. one is a dancer another is next table one. haha. stayed up watch tv before my eyes cant take it at 2+am.

初三
nothing much happening at bintan. ehhh did i mention earlier i went bintan? think i never. lol nvm. boarded ferry about 1545. by the time i reach home its 7pm. tired~ but still bath and headed over to kelvin's house. had steamboat and played cards. i won $50 heex. looks like the sheng xiao prediction may not be so accurate afterall. =D~ took cab home at dropped to sleep about 230am.

初四 (today)
didnt really wanna wake up. but dragged myself out of bed at 12nn. bathed, watched one variety show then off to robert, hock meng and kinfoo's place. played cards at the last stop. was winning when playing blackjack. but they changed to big two when balanced 4 kakis.. sianz tiao. lost $11 but haha never mind la. still have cab fare. tmr will be back to work~ time to start my ONS depolyment stage again.

nice nice

2008-01-31T17:43:00.000+08:00

this is gonna be a long entry as i have quite a few things to update haha.

first will definitely be the status of my PC which is still down. actually wanna go repair it the Sunday which just past. but then i recall that my laptop is due for collection as of 1st Feb 2008. there isnt a need for a PC after i got my lappie so can save the $ to use and pay for a wireless router instead. cos currently im using a pathetic Motorola USB Modem which limits my speed. anyway i gotta topup $300 for the laptop too so yea. can save jiu save bah =D

had went cny shopping with my beloved cousin last Sat. gone Orchard again. but this time around, theres rewards xia. its a mystery why each time when she is with me, i'll be able to find something i like xia. bought a smart casual top from Dorothy Perkins and another top at Far East. of course got purchase inner beauty too but shopped for quite a while before finding it at John Little. as members will have 20% disc, i signed up as one. LOL! heels is a must definitely. its bronze and something different from the type i usually wear. all in all, its a definitely fruitful Sat!

for those who went bugis will probably know that theres the sheng siao de prediction of the 2008 at close to OG there. had dropped by to take a look. sad sad. for those born in the year of Rabbit (which is me), everything, be it wealth, love or health, all is very average arbo is not good de T_T though i believe in myself more, but seeing such predictions will still affect me a tiny little bit. afterall, start of 2008, my PC crashes on me. then my SD card reader also died. argh!

anyway, lets move on to work. just finished a meeting whereby held by me. proposed changes to one of the processes. thanks to sherry and kokpin whom i work together with. the management were all thumbs up when i ended the presentation. hao kan xin wor! mei you gu fu their expectations of me. phew! what a day! now can go on to preparing the departmental meeting which is a whole lot easier as we cover most stuff already. heex! thank Lord!

weekend survival

2008-01-22T17:40:00.000+08:00

i survived the weekend quite surprisingly. i had converted 10 episodes only. then checked the TV guide for all shows on these two days. spread it equally between Sat and Sun. i didnt go out either. so i managed to got hold of the remote control and my Dad cant make me change channel. whahaha! clever and evil me hor? xD

winnie is supposed to acc me yesterday to go replace the motherboard and backup my data. but he needs to go back to work last minute so didnt. borrow Kelvin's laptop convert another 14 ep. omg. im watching at quite a fast rate currently. 2 ep during the journey to work, then another 4 to 6 ep after work. in this manner, i will be clearing off my dramas very fast lei T_T two weeks no computer is equivalent to causing me to have a lot of dramas / variety shows to dl. scare later my hdd no space *faint* hope he can come down find me by this friday. or else i think i will end up have to watch dramas online when my comp is repaired LOL.

first unlucky incident for 2008

2008-01-17T14:16:00.000+08:00

thunders & lightnings are killers to PCs. do you know for the past 4.5 years, my power supply had fused once? then my motherboard suffers the most. had been fried twice. most recent is the Sunday that just past. in north area, the rain is super heavy. i was watching my taiwan idols dramas as usual. then left my computer for a minute to go to the washroom. when i came back, i saw a blank screen and realise no light on my USB mouse and external HDD. that happens around 5+pm.

faint. my PC is my life lei after work. its been a long time since i watch shows on TVs nor. now so many not nice de dramas. dun have my idols dramas i wanna cry liao xia. at first thought its power supply that died. replaced it last night. didnt work. then winnie helps me to troubleshoot further a bit. the fan turns. omg. it means its the motherboard that was fried. have to replace as its no longer under warranty. gotta spend $. then reformat my c drive T_T there goes the dramas & shows im downloading. how am i supposed to survive this weekend?

anyway, i realise this is my first blog entry for 2008. yet im complaining. whahaha. nvm its okay. thats how i am xD like mentioned, changed of job scope effective 2008. so currently work is quite slacking. preparing report for weekly meeting. re-structuring of some processes. arranging onsite services between external SI and customers. gonna be picking up BlackBerry troubleshooting skills. sounds a lot but it aint. cant wait to really start everything. im starting to feel bored at work already as i dun like nothing to do. God bless!

nearing a new year

2007-12-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

this year xmas i managed to gather with most ofmy good friends. for xmas eve, met up with shawn. went for movie (National Treasure) and then prata at Thomson Road. chatted a while then headed home at 9+pm. then next day, which is xmas itself, gather with jane, june and kino. sang at 7th Heaven KTV. started the session feeling a bit bored dunno why. kinda felt left out. then towards the end become kino and i holding on to the mic most of the time. jane parted with us after singing to meet another fren. the rest of us ate dinner. dunno what got over kino. suddenly so emo. totally cold to june and i. so i just catch up with june on all the events in our lives as its a long time we had a heart-to-heart talk. the following day, staCy asked me out for dinner at the board game club. makan and played til 10+pm then off to home.

though these three days are spent meeting frenz, i feel its quite meaningful. when i used to be attached, my time is all allocated to bf. never have time to find out what's going on in my friends' life. now able to catch up with them more often. its a joy to me and them i guess.

thats a new found change in me though. i used to be one of the crappest girl around. but the current me no longer able to crack lame jokes. pretty serious. when others share jokes, i still can catch what it meant immediately but i don't actually have a reaction to it. don't find it funny or what. have been just entertaining my friends by smiling. its been a long while since i last gave a sincere and real laugh to others. why is it so? i also dunno.

going to 20o8 liao. what does the new year holds for me? official shift to second level (apps support) and change of my job scope. will be enrolling at psb academy for a 14-month degree either in IT or networking. hope to be able to find the real me. don't wish to live an aimless life. don't want to be doing repetitive actions; eg work and home only daily. sick of it all. hope to be able to pick up a course be it at community service or what. God bless me!

lost again

2007-12-23T19:26:00.000+08:00

i dunno how to describe life now. should i say its great? i have been talking for weeks that im glad to be able to switch over to apps support. this has been announced already to all staff a couple of weeks back. by right, i should feel joyous but i don't. instead, im feeling lost. starting to doubt in my own capability. felt as if im not needed inside the custcare team anymore. there are people taking over my workload. i can only guide to ensure all is done correctly. then im given the task of generating the weekly SI meeting report which i aint doing a good job. on the otherhand, i heard that ZT planned to send me for blackberry training which im quite happy about. afterall, it means i won't totally be stuck with administrative work.

i seem to be starting to lose interest in work lerr. got share that with a colleague. they say it may be cos of the change bah. i guess so. shall wait and see. in the midst of clearing leave; off on 18th to 25th december. have not been doing much except watching the dramas and variety shows. of course, got meet up with some frenz too. but deep down, still feel something is amiss. i cant find anything to motivate me. wheres the girl who never says die? all i see in the mirror is a girl who is lonely and not needed by anyone.. the xin at the beginning and end of 2007 is totally two different girls. haix.

love~

2007-11-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

“被爱是幸福的”
如果真心相爱，这当然是对的。要不，就变成了单恋而俩人都不愉快。有好多疑问但却开不了口。好不想成为你的负担，不想让你担心我。所以，现在的我独立没依赖着你。你所说的我都百发百相信你也听你的。但感觉我们像是普通朋友不是情人。但我的选择依然是待在你的身边，等待有一天你会回头看见我而放慢脚步陪我一起走。

烦啊

2007-11-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

working in LGA for exactly eight months liao. started off as techincal support; assisting customer in their connectivity problems. then the fourth month our company started the plan to merge TS and PVS together. i was chosen to learn the provisioning first. so currently im handling both PVS and serving premium customers. the overall custcare manager decides to shift me over to application support to do project coordinations and drawing up the customer's network. target is to shift me over by Jan 2008.

was pretty excited when i first got the news. but now 的我, 突然觉得有点不决定和开始对自己没信心。is it cos im not up to the job thats why i keep moving around departments? supposed to be a technical officer. then do admin job when i learnt PVS. now moving over to Apps. still doing paperwork. but of cos, when im inside PVS, i absorbed new knowledge on the creation and activation of services and its process. then at Apps, will be handling projects and technical proposals. able to know the detailed requirement of the stuffs and in turn handle any issues that arise. in other words, becoming the contact between cust and my coy. when more settled down, will be learning on the network itself.

不知道啦。感觉好矛盾勒。好烦啊！but also like that la. nothing much i can do about it. confirm that im moving up 就对了。走一步算一步吧。at most get swopped back if i don't perform. but hey, theres definitely pros to this "promotion". i can be a project manager/coordinator in the future if i dun wanna work as a technical support personnel. hahax. shall stop here. back to Pirates' time! (find me inside Facebook!)

enjoyable weekend!

2007-11-18T18:13:00.000+08:00

met up with huixian darlingg on friday night for k session @ bedok's 7th heaven ktv. we sang. we chatted. we updated each other with our lives. she got into a bike accident a month's ago. got stitches and all that yet i know nuts about it >.<

escape theme park

2007-11-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

today went to escape theme park with june, jane & kino. we played like kids. sitted on the Choo Choo Train twice. at first thought nothing of it. but when you are in the seat, the speed is really quite fast and the turns are kinda sharp. the right passenger sure will get slight bruise one haha. sat on Go-Kart for advanced players too. queued up pretty long for it. but the experience is okay nia. the Ferris Wheel is super boring~ so is the Haunted House. don't even have people dressed up and attempt to scare you. pirate ship is closed due to maintence thus didnt get to try =(

enjoyed three particular rides; Flipper, Inverter and the Wet & Wild. Flipper is the attraction located at the entrance. you sit on the "spaceship" which turns round and round. when up on it and glancing at the clear blue sky & the night makes one feels so peaceful. Inverter is the machine which you sit on and it swings you 360 degrees around. kino & i played it thrice haha. jane didnt join us as she easily get dizzy when blood rushes to her head. as for june, due to the past Pepsi experience, don't wish to try. a game which all of us enjoy will definitely be the Wet & Wild. loves the feeling when the "boat" slids down 15 metres and the water splash on you! we switched our seating arrangement for both rides. when logically think, it seems like front passenger should be the wetter one since it will face the impact first when it slids down. but hor, wrong lei. first ride, im front. only wet a bit nia. switched seats the second time. boy! i regretted it. totally wet nor. can squeeze out water that type lei. T_T freezing man especially at night (second ride taken at 8pm).

here are some of the pictures we had. for more, do visit my frenzter haha. enjoy~

quickie

2007-11-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

staCy asked me t0 bl0g. so i'd bl0gged. bye.

lolx. just kidding. what has i been up to recently? actually i als0 n0t that sure lei. lets see.. tw0 weeks ag0 had went to sent0sa with winnie. visited 4D Magix & CineBlast. both are suitable for kids. l0ved the 4D Magix. quite real the feeling. got water spitting all that one hahax. but CineBlast? think waste 0f $. both thumbs d0wn f0r it man. next st0p is the s0ngs 0f the seas. maybe i'm just a child at heart. l0ves the musical, the beautiful laser lights & firew0rks. can't wait for them to change the theme and go @@ again heex.

met up with shawnie last week for swimming (more like playing water =X) at toa payoh. to our left and right are all guys. and everybody kn0w i can't swim. s0 end up there at the side while watching her swimmed. walked over to the baby p0ol after s0aking f0r an h0ur plus. not much of Sun but still g0t sunburnt slightly. weak skin. now back peeling *faint* anyway, pigged out at Xi Wang HK Cafe there after. shopped & bought a bikini, skinny white jeans & a top.

then 0n tuesday i got a lunch meeting with my immediate supervis0r and 0verall department manager. was n0tified that they planned t0 move me t0 application supp0rt. i will be d0ing technical proposal and c0ordinating projects plus learning each cust's network. actually ZT (technical manager) had asked me if i'm interested t0 move over t0 his team a few weeks' back. thought he was j0king but woah. news broken fr0m Pearlyn & Sharon's m0uths so its real man. will take effect Dec'07. definitely will cherish this chance. thank God for Your blessings!

lastly to my dear 锐添, 一个人只有一颗心，也只能爱一个人。我的选择就是你。

burnt

2007-10-28T19:24:00.000+08:00

today hao unlucky wor. wanted to make hot tea. had already put in the sugar and creamer. was about to stir it on my computer table. act clever. tried to balance it on the table using my left finger. didnt realise the only one-third of the cup base was on it. stir not even three seconds then poof! the cup dropped. it didnt break. but the boiling water landed on my upper inner thighs. both sides. the surface that kena is bigger than my handphone. about 10cm by 8cm. T_T house don't have ice cube. ran it under water. applied toothpaste doesn't help. that burning sensation lasted close to 3 hours. rubbed it jiu pain le. lan hor me?

亲爱的

2007-10-26T21:17:00.000+08:00

不明不白的一个闷热下午
忽然梦见你的脸过分清楚
褪色的墙袭击了我的床铺
我的呼吸想念着你的特殊

狂风暴雨之中
我是勇敢的树
等待你会疲倦
停在我的保护
失去多久才够
接受爱的残酷
为何你要放弃了这全部

亲爱的我只求拥抱你一秒
让心跳解释没有了你不能跳
再一次因为你把自己燃烧
哪怕这世界毁灭
我也只要你
爱我

音乐不停在房间掩饰孤独
也停不了你声音那些起伏
放下一切我还是会不幸福
因为未来没有你不叫幸福
分开我打坏我看看我的好

任凭你感觉我对你的戒不掉
再一次把心动用你来套牢
交换一辈子等你我都嫌太少

view on relationships

2007-10-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

i have been self-evaluating almost weekly nowadays. not sure why either but hahax, anything larsh. shall just write my thoughts down as usual.

there seems to be a change in my thinking for relationships. i was well known for sticking close to bf & not giving them their freedom. then always anyhow imagine things when bf doesn't have time for me. but now, i'm attached once again. 锐添 is schooling and working at the same time. after sch, then off to work til 10pm. doesn't return home til 11+pm. he w0rks 2 jobs somem0re so usually weekends also n0 time for me unless he 0ff. thus, we don't meet up 0ften. overall, he is a workaholic and super busy dude. surprisingly i didn't bombed him with smses and make him meet me.

my friend feedbacks that i now had become more understanding therefore i didn't make a fuss. another said its cos this is due to love. hmmm, i am quite surprised by my own attitude too. afterall, nobody knows better other than myself how i used to be when inside a r/s. i always hear people say when you met the 0ne in y0ur life, y0u will change willingly & naturally. is this how it is for me? hahax bu zhi dao. but there's 0ne thing i kn0w for sure.

锐添 dear, its not cos y0u are there for at my weakness moment the other day. y0u had make it clear to me beforehand how you are in a r/s. you had told me of the fact that y0u can't accompany me frequently & don't like to sms. y0u had told me to my face that y0u can do without a r/s at this point of time. all the "rules" you had laid it on the table before professing to me. i still chosen to be with y0u. the reason is simple. the past year i have been searching for you and h0ping to bump int0 you again. finding y0u back c0s i really want and wish to have a chance with you. nobody knows what will happen in the future. but now what i do know is, i will put my best effort into this r/s. 希望你和我能长长久久。瑞欣<3锐添

simplicity

2007-10-13T16:35:00.000+08:00

今天是公共假日。猜我在做什么？我在office。有作工吗。十到七点。早上来office的时候下大宇被淋湿了>.< 然后到了office 发现热死人。因为今天是 public holidays then 没aircon。辛好有多以个同事还在。他帮我上楼搬cooler 下来。要不然我就变成烤猪了。

最近工作算满稳定了。不再OT了。每天都有准时离开办公室。也 clear 掉全的新 orders 。终于懂得如何 manage 时间了。 after work 就和 staCy 见面，要不就回家看我的台湾偶像剧。偶尔晚上还会 meet dear。感觉上生活虽然普通和平凡，但觉得满充实的。伤心与不快乐的事不在浮现在我的头脑里了。好久没过的那么轻松的日子。为何突然的转变能？我也不知道。

原本想说是因为在恋爱当中。但这并和我的男朋友没关系啊。我一个星期也只和他见面在周末。我们又不是每天通电话或传简讯。hmmm，真的想不通是什么改变了。但算了，这也是件好事吗。哈哈哈！希望能每“添”过得开开“欣欣”就好了！

❤ o610o7 ❤

2007-10-10T20:19:00.000+08:00

起初，我和你相见是在个踢球场。你是我的朋友们的其中踢球友之一。并不记得为何我们会开始聊起，也不记得是谁和谁主动与对方开口。但我能记得清清楚楚的就是你对我的好，对我的细心和对我的关怀。但因为时间不对，我们并没在一起.你又没手机那时所以没法联络。隔了两年我们又见面。这次是我向你示好。我明白我们需要时间让大家比较了解对方和适应多出一个人在你的生活。我会努力去改自己的弱点和体谅你。我会紧紧的握著你不放，不再让你离开我而去。

瑞欣与锐添的❥从十月六日二oo七开始。

shopping craze

2007-10-03T22:08:00.000+08:00

i was on MC for monday and tuesday. my abdomen and lungs area hurt after eating. went to see doctor immediately. guess what illness i'd g0t? gastritis. never hear bef0re. went t0 research when i had reached h0me. it is inflammation of the stomach lining caused by my digestion infection which has yet to be healed. if it does not recover in time, bleeding may occur inside the stomach T_T h0pe i'll be fine. has been taking medicine on time now. keeping my fingers crossed.

anyway, think im super on shopping craze m0od every beginning of the month. have been actively involved in online shopping sprees whereby my friend is the seller. last month bought 2 from him. the stocks are finally in! heex! then bought another 2 from him and 3 from another place. spree closed liao. think can have my items in three weeks xD then went shopping with staCy yesterday at the new shopping place at Suntec level 3; my playgr0und. not all shops are opened yet. the things there hai ha0 nia. nothing much. went to play para para version 1 and rock fever instead. love the s0ngs man! missed those days man.

next stop is marina square. went inside a gothic/cosplay shop. f0und tw0 tops that i like. haha. bought them too. go on t0 ipzone. buy another 2 graphics tops. whahaha. not forgetting on Sunday night when im out with shawnie, i got purchased a pair of jeans & shoes. so beginning of this month, i got a total of 8 new clothings! finally can strike off an item on my list liao. =D~

what a Sunday!

2007-09-30T23:56:00.000+08:00

today i set my alarm clock to wake up at 9am. so there goes my hp ringing at 9 sharp. felt t0o tired s0 set it t0 ring at 10am instead. n0t even 10 minutes later my hp started ringing. one sms from dian kai telling me where steven is w0rking. feels like punching him; c0s i long time ago jiu kn0w steven w0rks at NTUC lerr n0r. his news s0 outdated can. cl0se my eyes and was ab0ut to fall asleep.... RRRinnnnGGGGGGG !!!!!!!! which irritating fell0w again i w0nder. click 0n the message and its... p@nd@! my s0ul just refreshes instantly! all tiredness g0ne man lol. reading on the sms i realise bad news. i didnt rmbr that he is w0rking today. c0s he g0t tell me he have reservice this week s0 didnt b0ther g0 check X_X started calling the rest. all aint free. lucky f0r me my dad has lorry currently s0 changed and went down to w0rk.

after w0rk met up with shawnie for dinner. ate at BK while we chatted. its s0 coincidental. we are both wearing yellow tops & jean shorts of same shade. then we cut our hair on same day and g0t the same type of half-frame white spectacles. we both slimmed d0wn t0o & enjoyed our w0rk. we n0 longer watch televis0n programs; meaning on TV de shows. only watched our downloaded dramas. we really have a l0t in comm0n and still able t0 finish each other thoughts. enjoy the pics !

j0yful day !

2007-09-28T23:41:00.000+08:00

started off my day with the same old routine of taking mrt to work. but thats one change today though. instead of watching my dramas or sleeping on the train, i done something different. i spent the whole journey of 40 minutes taking out my hp chain and inserting a new one. does not have the help of anything sharp so was struggling with it. used the plastic wire on my card holder to dig out the old chain. thats completed in less than 5min. but then came the tricky part (for me) to pull the new string to the other corner. the reason is cause the new string is actually has weak outing then cannot poke through. used the plastic wire still unsuccessful. *faint* worst thing is i drop my hook and its stuck in between the seat. gotta reach down and be pretty close to the guy's feet to retrieve it >.< finally pluck up my courage to pick it up the stop before i drop off at dover. wad an "interesting" journey i have today! LOL.

but hey, the joyful reason isn't due to the mrt journey man. its cos i gotta see my p@nd@ today! last i had met up with him was 1 month and 2 days ago. cos he was busy with examination plus got IPPT thus the long time apart. now, he finishes his exam lerr. IPPT also over liao. so now is free liao! had planned to go find him one but lazy so make some lame excuses. but hey, he automatically come down find me and acc me for three hours wor! hao kai xin wor. all the unhappiness at work and lonliness feelings are gone liao. cos i know my p@nd@ is back. kekeke! next friday will get to see him again. so excited now. heeeeeeeeex! will be able to have sweet dreams tonight for sure =D~

quickie update

2007-09-23T22:53:00.000+08:00

s0 fast. an0ther week had passed lia0. hmmm.. wad sh0uld i update ab0ut? alvin's present! as i had menti0ned, i b0ught him 2 adidas t0ps. one is a sleeveless tee f0r him t0 wear during his bball sessi0ns. fits him perfectly. an0ther is p0lo tee which is to0 big f0r him >.< he said he can wear it with0ut sh0rts. d0ts. dunn0 whether true? lolx. but haha he still likes it overall. =D

its a sad weekend th0ugh. weiliang had left our c0y for a better j0b. recently have been working with him pretty much as im inside pr0visioning. he always helped me c0ver my mistakes and check my err0r de. now thats he is g0ne.. kinda w0rry about my billing stuffs. he had als0 been enc0uraging me and comf0rting me even th0ugh i created a l0t of billing issues for him t0 settle. 0ne of my pillar of supp0rt in coy which i said bef0re. but still, wanna wish him the best 0f luck in his future endeav0rs! oh yah, his prezzie als0 i buy dee. a f0rmal t0p & a p0lo G2000 tee.still g0t a piggie magnet plus s0mething like key/bag chain. hahax. g0nna be arranging a farewell dinner f0r him, muiping & adeline to0. h0pe we can d0 one so0n ~

t0day went t0 ntuc with staCy and her mum. finally bumped int0 steven! but my handph0ne went flat 0n me >.< given him my number. n0t sure if he will sms me =/ if he didnt, next time see him at ntuc will dunn0 h0w t0 face him lei. l0lx. we see how bah =D~

alvin's prezzie trip out

2007-09-16T21:30:00.000+08:00

t0day went out with staCy sh0pping for alvin's present. actually planned t0 g0 many places in case cant find something f0r him. but hey, lucky we decided to g0 ngee ann city first. just g0ne int0 two st0res and found s0mething f0r him. theres tw0 items but aint g0nna say wad they are here arb0 if he sees jiu n0t surprising liao. hahax. next st0p is far east. hmmmm since like this place aint as useful as it used to be. finished walking the building within an h0ur. n0thing caught my eye either. b0ring~

d0wn to bishan next. suddenly i bec0me a kid. theres the st0re which prints stickers with y0ur name. have d0raem0n de ah, disney and s0 on. i made one f0r myself which is bear type since n0 panda =X then g0 arcade. saw the uf0 catcher machine. g0t this super cute green fr0ggie which attracts me! spent $10 trying t0 catch it but fails lei. sadden. any0ne willing t0 catch it f0r me? will l0ve y0u if y0u did! p@nd@ plush t0ys are als0 welc0med! LOL!

back t0 staCy's h0use there after. t0ok an h0ur to wrap the gift. threw many items t0 cover up the original presents. each layer g0t surprise one but hahaha. felt quite childish after that =X nvm la. alvin is a lamer to0 so n0 problem! cant wait til he opens up the present! w0nder how his expressi0n will be then? heex!

w0nderful c0lleagues

2007-09-15T20:28:00.000+08:00

feel that im quite blessed at my w0rkplace w0r. maybe its c0s im the y0ungest bah. my c0lleagues all quite very enc0uraging and taught me many things. patient with me th0ugh i keep making similar mistakes. then they will als0 ask me 0ut f0r dinner and stuff like that.

yesterday we had an0ther 0uting f0r alvin's birthday dinner. kinda 0rganised by me hahax. then g0t a c0lleague quite give alvin & me face. even th0ugh he g0t pr0ject t0 hand in the next day, still c0me along with us for dinner =D s0, we ate at the k0rean bbq opp har par villa there. f0od quite nice w0r. we g0t serve each 0ther n s0 on heex. after that we g0 west coast Mc for chill 0ut sessi0n til 1+am. alvin dr0ve me h0me th0ugh he stayed super far fr0m me. thanks alvin =D

h0pe y0u guys had a g0od time yesterday w0r! tmr gonna g0 sh0pping f0r s0t0ng's present. never went 0ut with this fren bef0re. w0nder how it will be like? hahax. shall update tmr again =)

fresh start

2007-09-11T06:53:00.000+08:00

lalala~ welc0me t0 my bl0g! this p@nd@ bl0gskin is d0ne by y0urs truly *heex* kawaii mah? xD i had als0 switched t0 a new bl0g if you had n0ticed. there are t0tally n0 past entries. the past 3 years' hist0ry? letting them just be mem0ries. we all have m0ved 0n with 0ur lives. i will n0t be returning back t0 the past.

hmmm scratched that. even if i think 0f the past, it will be as of the day i started w0rking in LGA. glad t0 kn0w be in this c0y. really very thankful t0 God f0r letting me find this j0b. learning many new things fr0m my c0lleagues. d0esn't feel 0utcast either. pe0ple like j0anna, sherry, pearlyn & david are helping me t0 impr0ve as a pers0n and als0 teaching me the right way t0 handle things. glad t0 be in this family =D~

0f c0urse, there's still an0ther pers0n i kn0w this year which i will remember all the things i had d0ne with him. it will be mr p@nd@ duhz. heex. he's the cause 0f my craze 0ver p@nd@s; in my nick, friendster, bl0g & handph0ne plus my c0mputer. he is having examinati0ns t0day wor. s0 wanna wish y0u all the best! d0n't give y0urself un-necessary trust alright? i believe in y0u. we shall meet up once y0u are having sch h0lidays =)

time t0 g0 f0r w0rk lia0 then. buai~

fresh

my baby

sensitive me

maturity

eye infection *sad*

Fortune Telling Visit

shopping craze + studying plans

latest thoughts

disappointment

lalala!~ new image!

down once more

i have done it

all, or nothing at all

final straw

super duper long entry

conclusion made

lalala~

ii always remember this day 25th Aug 08 at 0720hrs

weekend happenings

confused

your care is more evident

11th Aug week update

觉悟了

dead meat

waiving already?

prey & predator game

surprise call from kenNy

weekly update

knowing more about you & your past

dinner date

new voice engineer

new crush!

My 21st Birthday

shopping spree!

duper shit week for 1st ½ of 2008 and closing end of age 20

PBX Experience

critical learning period

五月天回到地球演唱会

first time onsite cust's place

hair colour changes!

eventful thursday

my thoughts

first lesson for CCNA

weekly update

新年快乐

nice nice

weekend survival

first unlucky incident for 2008

nearing a new year

lost again

love~

烦啊

enjoyable weekend!

escape theme park

quickie

burnt

亲爱的

view on relationships

simplicity

❤ o610o7 ❤

shopping craze

what a Sunday!

j0yful day !

quickie update

alvin's prezzie trip out

w0nderful c0lleagues

fresh start

eye infection sad