Monday, September 8, 2008
thats only one reason ii had locked up my blog. and its because e feeling that ken knows my blog address is getting stronger by e day. regardless of whether is that facts or just fiction, doesnt matter anymore. as mentioned on 30th Aug 2008, ii am choosing to stop all forms of contacts with him cos ii can no longer take e current situation. and cos im pretty certain of my feelings for him. in my last entry, ii had said how he has actually started e initiation again. smses, jabbers and even dinner. when ii touched on 2nd Sept 2008, ii had left out that he's actually feeling quite unwell that day. but he still acc me to my fren's shop. e journey from e bus stop where we alighted to e salon takes about 15-20 minutes. its drizzling that night and he walked with me all e way. next day, he's on MC. he's in LGA for 8 weeks already. no matter how bad he's coughing nor sneezing away, he had never missed a day's work. but after acc me that night, he fell sick and have high fever. that touched my heart. and leads me to believe we may have a chance after all. and during e week he's pretty active in making conversations with me and even suggested dinner.ytd morning ii had not auto asked him if e dinner's still on. he himself approached me and confirmed e dinner. so off we went @ 630pm. but boy, ii really regretted to agreeing to this dinner. for e first time that we had been together, this is e most awkward trip ii ever have with him. when ii lost my balance on e train, he catched my arm. when walking, our fingers touched a few times accidentally. ⅔ of e journey we have silence between us. no words are exchanged. ii attempted to initiate conversation a couple of times but when e topic has been discussed finished, he turned quiet again. e
same goes for dinner time. we had chatted on work and work only. dinner ended and he sent me to bus stop. "not everything can be achieved just cos you worked hard for it. not necessary that everything that one wants he wil be able to fight for it and have it", ii said. he asked wad do ii want. "thats for me and me myself to know" "you already are on track in your career. wad else do you need?" ii kept quiet. "wad do you really want???" didnt gave him any answer. chased him to go back home. he finally left when he saw how determined ii am. "sms me when you reach home k?" "see first" ii turned and walked away in e opp direction. tears dropped immediately. its e first time that we had nothing to chat about. its e first time we didnt talk about our personal life. first time we seem so distant. its almost like we are strangers. wad happen? wad went wrong? wad happen to e times when we talk freely about anything under e sun? ii have no idea. cried my heart out. this proves that e decision ii made after e drinking incident is correct. still, knowing this doesnt help myself to be strong. today morning, he smsed, "hope you had rest early yesterday. how ii wish for a peaceful home. you shd really appreciate e silence n quietude." this aint e first time he had said this statement. ii shot back, "my parents' divorce has a great impact on me. shutting myself from e world & being independent aint my decision. e care & concern ii yearn for is never shown. my best companion all e long has been my laptop. you lead a different life from me. you will never be able to understand what lonliness and silence meant to people like me." he didnt reply and ii had left it as that.
;
11:28 PM
***
