Monday, September 29, 2008
there is no response from him as usual. now his lunch hour consists of michelle and/or sarah. he only eat lunch with us if michelle is around and decides to eat with us. and lately michelle's been buying breakfast for him. after work they also went out drinking together. with vendors i guess. but so wad? each time he also sent her home. and its NOT cos she is drunk. both of us drunk he also chooses to send her home. she's a 30+ old woman while im younger. more worry about her instead of me. thanks man. if im an outsider and do not know them at all, i'll probably mistake them as a couple. perhaps thats wad they are. already feeling numbed. if this is his decision, then i'll accept it gracefully and i mean it. i'd enough of everything.
last thursday after i saw the jabber logs, i broke down on the way back home. super down. started smsing all the guys who i know has interest in me, wanting to get him out of my mind. one of the people i smsed is my ex, corliss. he replied me and asked me if im alright. i said i need someone to acc me. and he agreed to meet me on friday. so we did. some things will never change. as usual, seeing him, regardless of how down i am, he will always be able to bring a smile on my face. he also is able to see through my heartfelt thoughts. didnt wanna bring up kenny initially but corliss kept pushing me to talk about it. so i did.
his comments straight are,"you are still the same old you. i believe you had put in your best to forget the past and has been doing great these few years while we are apart. are you sure you wanna ruin the effort you had put in cos of a guy? when are you going to stop assuming and being so self confident? can you stop living for others? don't keep reading too much into a simple sentence. that is nothing between you and him".
tears just dropped profusely when corliss said that. deep down, i know he is right. every advice that friends around me have given me are advices i have gave others before. its just easier said than done. i also don't wanna wreck my future cos of a guy who doesn't appreciate me and doesn't have me in his heart. what for man. i've already went on a long break and changed my image. its time for me to change my attitude and outlook on love matters. focus on getting my carrer and degree first. all else will fall in naturally (:
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2:25 PM
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Thursday, September 25, 2008
i mentioned before that you are a book that i have yet to finish reading. never have i taken so long to understand someone. you're still a mysterious when it comes to deciphering your inner heartfelt feelings. your personality and character wise, i more or less already fully know already.
when i was distributing the sweets yesterday to michelle, she was typing a message to you in jabber. i saw with my own eyes that the topic isn't about work. rather, its some discussion on pride matters. and after scanning through the logs, i realise that you and her have been going out frequently with m1 people to drinking sessions. each time, you sent her home. as for sarah, its the same. you are even planning to go swimming with them. swimming aint a big deal i know. just showing off almost your whole body to your colleagues only. nice one.
truth has it that it has definitely been a lie when you said you and michelle talked about work only. i know its inevitable that people stray off the actual topic during discussion. this is something i frequently do too. and anyway, you and i are just colleagues-friends. we aren't together. why bother covering up and emphasizing so many times that you and her are discussing on work stuff only? i had asked you one time once nia. you repeated yourself for more than 4 times. purpose of this is?
i hate guessing and i hate being lied to. all these are just small things by itself but adding it up all together? its a serious case. in your eyes, it may be a harmless lie. but how much do you really know about me? do you think i'm so heck care when it comes to matters concerning you? it's been pretty obvious that whenever you and michelle are acting super close in front of all of us, my reaction is always looking away or turning silent. and we are all colleagues. what makes you think you can cover up the lies for long? the pain i feel now is much worser than what it originally would be if you had been honest. so i decided to confront you about it through sms as i doubt i can do it face to face.
woman's gut feelings, more often than not, are pretty accurate. will you agree or disagree with this statement?hmmm it depends. when gals get emotional, their gut feeling are pretty much biased. very few gals can make sound judgement in this kind of situations.u've got a point there. then what do you think of your instincts in the recent years? ever since poly or ns days perhaps?i don't rely on gut feel. it's like a gamble. i see, analyse and plan.alright. then your opinons of white lies? do you think its true that its for the person's own good when one says it? or is it more likely for selfish reasons?hmmm white lies with good intentions are harmless. they are white for a reason.to the one who makes them, it may seem harmless. but have they thought of the consequences when their lies got exposed? the pain is worse than wad would have been originally.hmmm then that would be a bad lie and not a white lie.i guess to the person he feels its harmless cos perhaps he dont understand her thoughts that well. cant be helped at times i guess.why are you mentioning about white lies?nothing much. ytd just found out a fren had lied many stuff which i don't understand why. its small single things but adding up makes it a serious case.hmmm it depends on how much you value your fren and the significance in the lies he tells. some people can't stand lies as it is deceitful.
he's been a gd fren. perhaps deep down i know he's trying to protect me from getting hurt. but that stuff won't have affected me if he had said the truth. he makes more lies to cover up the inital one. and fate has it that the lies are exposed. i'll be lying if i say i don't care anymore.
hmmm if the lies were of good intention, then i feel its forgivable. but if it's to cover up a bad deed. then it really depends on how much you value the friendship.
its for my own good that he lied i guess. i'm not mad at him so thats nothing to forgive. just disappointed to know that to him, i'm a narrow-minded person.(waiting for response)it seems like thats many changes in the past week. still recall the weird silence between us during the last dinner. we no longer chat at work. yet earlier we can chat non-stop til we parted. if we are frenz previously, it seems like we have turned into plainly colleagues.
(no response)
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11:38 PM
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Monday, September 22, 2008
ii have officially changed my image as of 20th sept 2008. ii had went to orchard tower's Natasha Salon to revamp my hairstyle. its currently short (just below ears) and heavily layered. its thicker at the top. ii cut my fringe too. its stopped at around my eyebrow that area. ii also have started wearing contact lens to suit this new hairstyle. now ii looked really like just 17 years old or even secondary school girl. yet to take any pictures yet. shall do so when ii got the mood hahax. dressing wise also changed to be either formal or casual wear. when casual wear, ii mean its more towards graphic T or T with words. bought 4 of such tops in taiwan. had purchased a cap to go along with the new image too. so if ii wear casual, ii'll be wearing cap defintely. if thats problem with getting my lens in, i'll just go out without specs. lol.
my older friends mostly commented that they preferred me with long hair as more mature look. some says not much difference. just showing more of my face with shorter fringe and hair. thats also a few who praise me for trying out a new image and said ii looked refresh after the break. he's one of them. anyway, all guys, look my way. my name is tan julia faith. ii wanna attract all of your attention towards me =D come and date me! im single and available. LOL!
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12:59 AM
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Saturday, September 20, 2008
ii came back to singapore on 16th sept 11+pm. didnt wanna return to work so fast so purposely on 17th, ii evening then go visit doctor and then have two days' MC. after professing on 14th sept, ii had not smsed him until 19th sept. just asked him hows the SIM open house cos wanna test whether things are back to norm. waited and waited.. no sms came. lunch he invited me to join michelle and him for lunch but ii rejected as ii wanna be with joanna they all. told him to enjoy it and added a =) behind. he told me (again, goodness know how many times alr), "that nah, its just work matters so we lunching together". ii didnt replied him. then cos im meeting staCy at toa payoh, ii asked him if he will be going back home after work. his answer is no and he is going vivo with sarah (a colleague). stunned when ii heard it but just told him to enjoy the date and ii went off without waiting for him to say bye.
previously a month plus back, huiting had said that she overheard ken and sarah talking about personal stuff almost daily. back then, ii had not generated any feelings for ken and had told him wad ii've heard. his response then was its inevitable that one will stray from work topics. then during the month that had passed, ii didnt really see him and sarah chatting much either. so how did he and sarah got together and have a dinner date?
totally no clue. its almost as if he is reporting to me. or rather, letting me know that he is going out alone with a girl. why so? wanna make clear his stand that we aren't a pair? ii don't know and neither do ii need to know his thoughts. to me now is, ii already said wadever ii wanted to you. how and what you are gonna do about it is your choice. if just cos ii professed then our friendship went hay-wired, then it just shows that you are immature when handling feelings matters. and your score will definitely be dropped cos of this. shall observe the next week to see how things goes between us.
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1:49 AM
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Wednesday, September 17, 2008
below are the poems which ii had written during the flight to and fro taipei. its my heartfelt feelings mixed with inspirations from my friends. pretty emo one haha!
the hardest thingthe hardest thing ii ever have to do...what is it?, ii often asked myselfis it handling my customer's issues?is it quarrelling with my best friends?or it it not having companionship at my darkest hours?ii think through the questions and found the answer to all is no...so then, in my eyes, what really is the hardest thing to me then? without skipping a thought, your face surfaced in my mind; ever so clearly.its the hardest thing ii ever have to do...to turn around and walk away pretending that ii do not have feelings for you,pretending that we are just colleagues when my heart tells me you are the one ii want,pretending that i do not care when ii saw how close you are with other girls...ii look out the window and my tears just flow seaminglessly.the feelings ii have for you; its so much more than anyone realise.the happiness that ii felt when you smile at me..the jealousy which comes naturally when spotting you chatting happily with another girl..the bashfulness shown on my face when friends tease about you and ii..the sorrowness that's in me when it dawns on how distance we had become..the joy that wells in my heart whenever you express your care and concern....tell me then, how do you handle your feelings for me so calmly?why is it you can act so cool when facing me?why do you keep blowing hot and cold towards me when you know the pain it causes me?are all we have really just a superfical relationship all the long?finally, i've come to realise...the hardest thing ii ever have to do now is facing you;facing the boy ii like slowly turning into a stranger,a stranger who only talks to me when at work..and its work matters only that we do chat about now...
things in the worldnot everything in the world can be boughtnot everything are achievablenot everything request you made are fulfilled,not even if you had plucked up all your courage cos of it.not every dreams will come true, not even if you work more than half your life for it.many things in this world are unexplainable,but everything happens for a reason.many things aren't within our control,yet many people believe they have full control over their own lives.nothing in this world can shake one's determinationno one can force another to act against their wishesjust like there's nothing ii can do to make you fall for me...all ii ever...all ii ever needed, is a pair of helping hands,to hold onto me whenever i'm about to slip.all ii ever needed, is a welcoming open arms,to catch me when i' about to fall.all ii ever wished for, is a shoulder to cry on,to provide me with the support ii need badly whenever i'd crumbled.all ii ever wished for, is a listening ear,someone whom ii can share my joys and sorrows with.all ii ever wanted, is a little more care and concern,to let me know you are aware of my existence.all ii ever wanted, is to feel a little love coming from you,to convince myself that you do mean it when you said ii hold a place in your heart.all that ii wanted...all these ii shall never have..
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1:01 AM
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Monday, September 15, 2008
in my previous post, ii mentioned ii wanna confessed before ii leave for taipei. in the end ii had not. cos the night before ii went on the long break, you and ii were smsing as per usual. you had not asked about where i am going. you did not make any indications that you know ii went overseas. cos you wrote that you envied me for being able to sleep late and wake up late. why the pretense? its so apparent that you do know yet you didnt ask and neither did ii told you. ii flew off in a happy mood and wanna really enjoy the long break away from you and away from work stuffs.
the past few days thats some weird happenings. during daytime while im out shopping and stuff, you have never entered my mind. its almost as if you don't hold a place in my heart. BUT, here's the unusual thing. every night without fail since ii had reached taipei, you appear in my thoughts constantly. ii woke up from the dream remembering the details clearly. we are a couple in the dreams and you are out with me during my gathering with primary sch, seconday schools and my ex-colleagues. the most weird of all is, after ii awaken from the dream, ii went back to sleep. and you surfaced inside the dream once more. in other words, just a night ii can dream of you like 3 times? faint. previously ii only dreamt of you fortnightly. once we are miles apart, the dreams turned so frequent..
this dream incidents really got into me. after 4 consequential nights of such things, ii can take it no more. ii woke up and the tears just flowed by itself. ii can't stop the tears. and shawn (my girl good friend) saw me crying and asked what had happened. as she have went to tekong in Feb and just POP, she wasn't aware of the things between ken and ii. updated her and she shared that one of the reasons why she came taipei is also cos she wished to forget her ex. she is much more clearminded than ii am though. she advised me to profess since ii wanna know the answer badly. after all, she knows ii hate having regrets. ii sat there and considered for an hour. finally, ii'd made up my mind to sms him.
the past few days that im here, i cant stop thinking about u & the dinners/talks that we have. i've been waking up to dreams abt u. i just wanna say i really like u i guess. r/s may not be wad u want. but i don wanna keep quiet & suffer anymore. i always feel down whenever u emphasize u didn't want a r/s.. i've said my piece. i hope that we're still friends even if u don feel the same way.
actually i know wad u want long ago. u're not alone when u confess ur feelings. but r/s aint my priority & i have high expectations too. not easy. don think too much k? focus on ur carrer first. u'll soon come to realise there's greater things in life to pursue.supposedly he has feelings for me too since he had wrote, "you are not alone when you confess your feelings". BUT as expected, he stressed on that he don't want a relationship. reading his sms, no tears came at all. in fact, ii felt more peaceful. even if its a white lie to console me, ii don't mind. ii have said out my thoughts and make sure he really knows it rather than let it remains an assumption. the rest of the stuff i'll just let natural takes its course. he loves acting cool about stuff so ii believe we should not have any awkwardness when we met again. finally ii can sleep well tonight!~
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2:33 AM
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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Mr Kenny Ang C.K., take it as ii beg you. please keep your distance from me. now whenever you'd shown a lil concern for me, whenever you initiate a conversation with me, whenever you look in my direction, whenever you come near me, all my mind tells me to do is move further away from you. simply cos your presence around me is now considered hurt. im reminded of all we had before & e sudden change after e dreadful 28th Aug 2008 outing. the happiness and soothing effect which ii used to feel when you're around are all gone.but, the feelings, the crush, the admiration and perhaps even a lil bit of love which ii may have for you are still there. as strong as before. looking at the intensive reactions ii'll have whenever you do any of the lil things, ii know things have gone much more deeper than ii realise.
still, ii wanna let you know of my feelings. from our talk yesterday, ii know you don't have plans of leaving LGA so soon. earliest will be end of this year. doubt ii can contain it that long. since i'll be overseas from 11-16th Sept 2008, guess tomorrow will be the best time for me to profess it. then we will have 7 days to cool down and he can think of what's next. how am ii gonna go about it doing it though? no clue at this moment. i'll definitely say something like this, "you're a clever guy who is quick-minded and often able to make accurate judgements. so ii don't think that theres anything which can be hidden from you. but its evident that you are pretending to be ignorant of some stuff....". shall see how. this morning he had emphasized again that career and degrees are his current priorities. he will not talk about other stuff til he has this two basic things. hope that he will reject me straight off. then i'll have a good excuse for the sudden change in attitude towards him when im back. keeping my fingers and toes crossed!!
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10:28 PM
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Monday, September 8, 2008
thats only one reason ii had locked up my blog. and its because e feeling that ken knows my blog address is getting stronger by e day. regardless of whether is that facts or just fiction, doesnt matter anymore. as mentioned on 30th Aug 2008, ii am choosing to stop all forms of contacts with him cos ii can no longer take e current situation. and cos im pretty certain of my feelings for him. in my last entry, ii had said how he has actually started e initiation again. smses, jabbers and even dinner. when ii touched on 2nd Sept 2008, ii had left out that he's actually feeling quite unwell that day. but he still acc me to my fren's shop. e journey from e bus stop where we alighted to e salon takes about 15-20 minutes. its drizzling that night and he walked with me all e way. next day, he's on MC. he's in LGA for 8 weeks already. no matter how bad he's coughing nor sneezing away, he had never missed a day's work. but after acc me that night, he fell sick and have high fever. that touched my heart. and leads me to believe we may have a chance after all. and during e week he's pretty active in making conversations with me and even suggested dinner.ytd morning ii had not auto asked him if e dinner's still on. he himself approached me and confirmed e dinner. so off we went @ 630pm. but boy, ii really regretted to agreeing to this dinner. for e first time that we had been together, this is e most awkward trip ii ever have with him. when ii lost my balance on e train, he catched my arm. when walking, our fingers touched a few times accidentally. ⅔ of e journey we have silence between us. no words are exchanged. ii attempted to initiate conversation a couple of times but when e topic has been discussed finished, he turned quiet again. e
same goes for dinner time. we had chatted on work and work only. dinner ended and he sent me to bus stop. "not everything can be achieved just cos you worked hard for it. not necessary that everything that one wants he wil be able to fight for it and have it", ii said. he asked wad do ii want. "thats for me and me myself to know" "you already are on track in your career. wad else do you need?" ii kept quiet. "wad do you really want???" didnt gave him any answer. chased him to go back home. he finally left when he saw how determined ii am. "sms me when you reach home k?" "see first" ii turned and walked away in e opp direction. tears dropped immediately. its e first time that we had nothing to chat about. its e first time we didnt talk about our personal life. first time we seem so distant. its almost like we are strangers. wad happen? wad went wrong? wad happen to e times when we talk freely about anything under e sun? ii have no idea. cried my heart out. this proves that e decision ii made after e drinking incident is correct. still, knowing this doesnt help myself to be strong. today morning, he smsed, "hope you had rest early yesterday. how ii wish for a peaceful home. you shd really appreciate e silence n quietude." this aint e first time he had said this statement. ii shot back, "my parents' divorce has a great impact on me. shutting myself from e world & being independent aint my decision. e care & concern ii yearn for is never shown. my best companion all e long has been my laptop. you lead a different life from me. you will never be able to understand what lonliness and silence meant to people like me." he didnt reply and ii had left it as that.
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11:28 PM
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Sunday, September 7, 2008
woah. its a week since ii last updated this space. the week had past by in a blink of the eye. what have ii been up to? hmmmm lets see.
huixian darlingg is a good pal of mine ever since 2004. she's there for me during my xintat's days. someone whom ii clicked with easily and we can chat about anything under the sun. she knows lots about the dark period of my life. but after ii went into "depression" state, ii had went MIA on her. basically we are hardly there for each other past 2 years and the number of times we had met up could be counted with just a hand. anyway, we finally get to meet up this week. tuesday, saturday & today. she's working at toa payoh now which is pretty near to amk. and the best part is there are buses to tpy from clementi. so as long as she needs me, ii can be there for her. she has gotten a new bf which works is her colleague. but problem is her boss will not let them publicised the r/ship as the guy's ex is working there too. silly right? now cos my darlingg to be so upset over it and she is the type who thinks too much and always put others first before she considers about her own feelings. sounds pretty alike to how ii used to be.
wanna lend her a helping hand but yet ii cant. the r/ship belongs to the two of them. suggestions are all outsiders can give and its still up to the decision of both parties. the foolish girl keeps crying and keeping things to herself. really hurts to see her that way. but thank God i'm by her side this time. cos she finally listens to my advice and confronted her bf about the ex's presence between us. even though the topic is mentioned thru sms but ii believe the guy will talk about it face to face too. ii have talked to him before and the three of us had went out too. huixian darlingg~ you have my support!
grandma was hospitalised on thursday. the sms from yonghua kor came around evening time. ah ma felt numbness on the area surrounding her head and neck area since morning. she had only told ah gong in noon. faint. er shen & er gu they all were then informed and sent her to hospital immediately. doctor'd done a CT scan on her and a full body check up. other than her high blood pressure's level is high and there's slight blockage around her neck area causing the numbness, things look pretty optimistic. she had stayed in hospital for two days and was discharged on saturday. went to visit her yesterday and accompany er gu & johan to brings ah ma down to toa payoh to see chinese sinseh. then brought her back to er gu's house to stay for the week. my cousin jocelyn was from nursing previously so she will be able to take good care of ah ma and watch her condition closely. the doctor said that ah ma will get a stroke anytime within this 7 days >.< hope things will be fine. ah gong has fallen sick too. think its probably cos worrying about ah ma thus the sudden illness. ah gong and ah ma are pretty closely tied together. after all they have been married for 60 years or so. if anything happens to one of them..... ii cant imagine wad will unfold. glad that both of them are the happy-go-lucky type of person. God, please help them to maintain an optimistic outlook always!
as for
ken, ii also dunno wad shd ii blog about him. monday's dinner was canceled as he doesn't have enough sleep over the weekend. he suggested changing the dinner to thurs or fri but ii keep saying never mind, its okay and hinted we can do away with the dinner. but he insisted on it. so we had agreed to have it on coming monday instead which is 8th sept, tomorrow. through out the week (weekdays only), he has been initiating smses or jabber msgs with me. ii no longer immediately reply to him when ii receive the msgs; will wait like 10 minutes or so and finish my current stuff before answering him. but his responses have been arriving pretty fast; within 5 minutes ii may say. now its back to the earlier days whereby he will sms me and ask me not to leave office too late should he left first. sometime this week ii had briefly commented on his dressing of formal clothes throughout the 6 weeks thats he is here. gently reminded him that fridays are dressed down days so can wear casual clothes. his reply is that he preferred the formal wear as his customers may have unannounced visits anytime. but, guess what? friday he wore causal wear.
all the paragraphs above are stuff which happened during 1-5th Sept. ii wanna touch more on 2nd Sept though. ken & ii took bus back together for the first time in close to 4 weeks. we had not boarded the bus at same stop. but he managed to stand diagonally across me on the bus (he's nearer to the exit while im at the railing). didnt initiated chat with him as i was msging huixian. was planning to alight at mrt but he stopped at the first turn into clementi road. he remembered thats where ii can take 165 or else ii gotta walk to interchange. thats not the point though. im heading to tpy that day. so ended up he traveled with me and even sent me to huixian's shop. so coincidentally that hye is staying just opposite huixian's workplace and he needed to redraw cash. so he accompanied me all the way. on the bus trip, ii asked him whether he is drunk that night. he looked into my eyes and told me no. "i even sent michelle home before i go back home". ii turned to look out the window. he then continued on asking some stuff about her; like who she used to lunch with blah. feel like telling him to ask michelle himself but ii just answered all his questions. he also insisted that they are talking about work more often than not.
but my ears aren't deaf. those times during lunch when you were just besides me, ii can hear what type of conversations you two are having. and you yourself had said that when you use blackberry, its usually communicating with michelle & desmond. and thats the handset ii saw you busy with every morning and evening when we aren't on bus together. why bother with the explaniation? the drinking incident is to your benefit already as thats the last straw which caused me not to be able to handle my emo for you and choose to let go. your interest isn't in me obviously so why the start of initiation again? and its obvious that mich has a thing for him. asked him to
lunch alone with her. always calling him to ask about work when she notice the 2 of us are leaving the office together.
even helped him to finish up his drink. wad kind of colleagues will do that for another colleague of the different gender? anyway, i'll be
out of your sight from 11-18 sept. if you aint sure of your feelings, then you can observe whether ii had surfaced on your mind during these days. if yes, what are the thoughts? if no, then the answer is pretty clear cut.
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11:20 PM
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