Wednesday, August 20, 2008
19th August 2008returned back to work today. last night was unable to fall asleep. not sure whether its due to the sudden increase of dosage for my medicine. anyway, was feeling fine when ii left house. but once ii boarded mrt, my body starts feeling unwell. the headache started kicking in much worser than the previous days. then my body temperature seems to rise. ii felt super hot but im aware that actually the room temp is normal. my thighs developed two patch of rashes as its pretty itchy since Sunday. then thats also dunno stomach wind or flu which makes me wanna vomit. had not skipped any meals on Sunday nor Monday. so goodness know what went wrong. body aches added on above all. faint.
reached office jiu approach ewei for gastric medicine. while waiting for her, dunno wad got into me. tears started flowing for no reason. it started off as a few drops nia. then turned into as if im crying. but its not ii wanna cry. the tears dropped by itself and ii cant stop it. hide over at finance room for close to an hour as there much quieter and emptier. dunno wanna let others see my non-sensical state of mind. but dunno how come sherry knows about it. T_T she walked over to show concern. wanna take MC actually but KP walked in and discussed with me all the outstanding issues ii have on hand. so decided to continue on. thank God by lunch im okay as ii swallowed 2 panadol.
through it all, ken had not asked me if im okay. he knows once im inside office, i'll boot up my laptop. ii had not until 30min later. and ii sat down at my desk & keep blowing my nose and have the crying-alike sound. and the first hour ii kept shuttling between my office & finance room. he had not shown any form of concern. we left office at different timings. but as the frequency of the bus is 20-30mins after 7pm, we ended up on same bus. we boarded at different stops though. ii saw him before he came up but ii quickly busy myself smsing a fren. does not look @ his direction at all. not even when ii alighted. couldnt helped myself. smsed him after that. we smsed all the way til he went to bed. but he had not asked my condition at all. even though he is the first to know that im sick ever since Friday. wadever.
20th August 2008he had not asked me whether im leaving office for close to a week already. and it has been ii think close to 2 weeks since we last took bus together to Clementi. after the change of events in the last two weeks, with him acting cool still and blowing hot and cold, ii no longer wanna spot him in morning buses nor leave office within 5-10 minutes that he leave. each morning when ii wait for 183, i'll pray hard that ii will not see him. but the more ii dun wanna see him, the more ii seem to be bumping into him.
he is zoned out in morning usually so mostly ii spotted him from far and turned my back to him. treating his presence as invisible. not looking at his direction at all. usually he stands at the head of the bus stop while im at the end. so ii saw the bus coming first moved to front to wait for it to stop. didnt see him so ii glanced around to see his location. dots. he was standing pretty close to where ii am earlier. he has perfect eyesight so ii dun really think he hadnt see me lor. makes me start to have doubts all those times that he claimed hadn't spotted me.
the hours passed pretty fast. no words were exchanged between us. during lunch, he is always seated next to or opposite Michelle. today they were chatting among themselves all the way. all stopped to wait for Joling while she buys snacks but the 2 of them had not. they went off first. no comments. same thing, he left office without a word. walked over to chat with Mic before he goes. ii no longer bother to catch up with him recently and today is the same. also gave up in initating the sms with him. after all, wads the point of continuing when it seems like im the only one putting in the effort?
he suddenly onlined in jabber and talked to me. typed in chinese "so late still dun wanna go?" stunned. its ages since he last auto chatted with me. but of cos ii acted cool and slow in the response as im busy with my ONS things. when ii left office, he wasn't active in jabber. so ii just left a msg to say im making a move. "if you wanna contd the chat, then sms me. but if you are tired, then its alright. see you tmr." he smsed me and stopped when he wanna go off to bed.
why the change in attitude? ii cant figure out his thinking at all man. getting pretty lost. he seems to be aware when ii wanna let go and ignore his presence. cos at times like these, he will always started being the one to approach me. dear ah ken ah... you have got me stumped. you are the first guy in a long while whose thoughts are neither unreadable nor interpretatable by me. of cos, this is with respect to r/ship & whats ur actual feelings for me. all others like character and mindset, im okay. im only lacking in this >.<
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9:32 PM
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