Saturday, August 30, 2008
after 15 hours of sleep, ii feel much clear-minded. when ii woke up, ii realise that menses have come visiting. now ii know why am ii so emotional yesterday. spent some time thinking through the whole episode between me and kenny. sorted out most of my thoughts already.
1) using each other's stuffii started going over to your place and used your computer first. naturally if you need to use my stuff, you will walk over and use it too. sharing of sour prunes and placing on your table is cos ii told you go ahead with it. ii had taken it back on friday. you didnt come over for it once at all.2) the dinners togetherjust like what you told others, you prefer eating out then having homecooked food. your dinner dates are mostly your buddies. it will be a refreshing change to have dinner with someone else at times.3a) the night at toa payohyou are just being a gentleman, sending me to interchange as you were afraid ii would get lost. staying with me until 12 midnight is cos you are used to staying up til late hours. and this is also a chance to let us get to know each other better. perhaps its this night that confirmed your suspicion that ii got feelings for you.3b) you said you believed totally that im being put aeroplaneit could be a white lie. no point in exposing my lies. and you don't wanna hurt me in anyway so this will be the best answer4) taking bus togetheryou know ii usually take bus alone. and it happens that im still around when you are about to leave. thus you had asked if im going off yet. after all, having companionship on bus isn't a bad thing. anyway, it has been 3 weeks since we last took 183 together.those times we met coincidentally at bus stops (regardless morning or evenings), you had said you didnt spotted me as you aint sensitive to your surroundings. this could be pretty true as all of us (my colleagues too) come to realise this week.5) does not mind viewing fireworks especially if it coincides with my outingokay this part ii dunno how to explain. ii had pasted the smses between us in previous post. even though you had said the above, you had added on behind you will not make the extra effort. BUT the next few smses in sequence to this, seems to indicate you have slight interest in me. but of cos, its just assumption on my part. ASS-U-ME is making an ASS out of U and ME so shall not bother with reading too much behind these words.6) candid shots with michelle & the rest except methis is a pretty clear way of rejecting me. you know ii got feelings for you. if we are to take too close pictures, you know ii could have interpret the wrong way. and you also do not wish to allow the others have a chance to say that we got a leg. so taking a couple of pictures & stopping at here is the wisest decision.7) smses/messagesyou had mentioned before that you like chatting with people. and its a basic courtesy to response when people initiate a conversation with you anyway. similarly goes for the chats you had initiated commenting that ii looked tired out or whatever. and ii already said you are acting dao, thus all the more you had replied to almost every single sms the past week(s). but ever since that day, smses have stopped. ii didnt initiate any with you either.8) never formally rejecting meii have never declared my feelings for you. its just actions from me thus far. if you are to come right out and said you are not interested in me, ii could have said its you think too much. and you had insisted on your stand of prefering to be single til having a stable carrer. so yup. this is your way of rejection ii guess. after all we are colleagues. should you reject me straight out, anyone could have seem the difference as ii will definitely be inching away.after coming up with a conclusion for all the bits and pieces of stuff which leads me to believe we got a chance, ii realise ii am just being a fool in love again. blinded just cos you are being a gentleman and careful not to hurt my feelings.
during these 6 weeks, ii have occasionally flashbacks of 2003 to 2006 days. and ii know ii have come very close to resuming 欣's personality a couple of times. it took me 1+ years to pick myself up after the xintat's incident. ii worked hard to get to where ii am at LGA now. ii
shouldn't let a guy wiped off all the effort ii have put in the past 2+ years.
Kenny Ang C.K, read this carefully.
ii know ii have fallen for you and ii
cant stop myself from the jealousy ii felt when you are with michelle. ii do not want to make things awkward for us at work.
ii dun wish for anything to spoilt the special friendship that we have now as ii really treasure it. ii will stop all my moves; smses, the bus trips, not going to use your computer anymore and so on. if you got feelings for me, you gotta make the move yourself.
if you gonna let us become a missed chance, then i'll respect you for it.as for dinner on Monday, 1st Sept 2008.
after all that had happened, ii dunno if you still remember this arrangement we had made. ii will ask you on Mon about it.
if you had forgotten, we will leave it as that. if you hadn't, we will go ahead with it. thats a question which ii will put across to you when we parting. that is, are you drunk that day. yes, no, ii will accept it all. ii just wanna see your face and reaction when ii phrase the question to you. there after,
i'll turn and walk around pretending we are only colleagues. ii mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
;
7:13 PM
***
